Married Dating, Polyamory

Jealousy And Envy – The Twins Of Discontent

jeal·ous·y

Spelled[jel-uh-see] – noun,plural-ous·ies

1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.
2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.
4. a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

en'vy

Spelled [en-vee] – noun

1. a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.
2. an object of envious feeling: Her intelligence made her the envy of her classmates.
3.Obsolete. ill will.

Jealousy and envy; the twins of discontent in almost any relationship at some point or another. It's something we experience growing up, when the seeds of doubt and desire are planted within us, be it through friendships or with siblings, they begin to take hold as human nature drives us to make choices about ourselves. It happens without thought initially; over a possession, or a person; we are told that it's bad, and that it's not acceptable…but it still lives within us.

Those of us that have cheated, are cheating or have been cheated on at some point in time have had to deal with these thoughts and emotions, as has anyone that's experienced a poly-anything type of relationship. They are usually passionately driven by a sense of possessiveness towards the person inspiring those feelings. (I am talking about relationships here by the way, not one night stands or random encounters…)

So then we have to ask the question: How is it that we are going to manage these feelings of anger, doubt, frustration, and insecurity that go hand in hand with jealousy and envy?

The only answer is that many of us, but by no means all of us, have the ability to compartmentalize, and have learned to tap into that ability to manage these relationships and feelings. It's not easy, and is a learned skill, and is not something everyone can do. It takes time, patience, understanding, and a clear mind. Having a partner that's helpful is critical as well.

Monogamous people find non-monogamy to be confusing, complicated, and even threatening. They feel that it is morally wrong to draw comfort and support from anyone other than their spouse. If all of their needs are not being met by their spouse, the only option is to divorce and go looking for the "perfect partner" that can fulfill all of their needs. Sadly, that is an daunting task to assign to anyone and surely one that most people will fail no matter how good their intentions!

On the other hand, non-monogamous people feel that it is unreasonable to expect one person to be able fulfill all of their needs – social, emotional and sexual throughout the entire course of their life. Things change. People change.

Their alternate perspective instead suggests that we should continue to value our spouses and the pleasures that they bring to our lives while finding others to fill the voids that they can not. The man-made restrictions placed on us by traditional marriage limit and deprive us unnecessarily, of many of life's pleasures.

While non-monogamy may seem to be normal human behavior, you can rest assured that so are jealousy and possessiveness. No relationship is free from the normal conflict and insecurity that we all experience.

So having the ability to accept that someone can love more than one person, albeit in different ways, and that different relationships can provide for different needs for one person is the first stepping stone to overcoming those unwieldy feelings that we all experience.

Being able to logically (rather than emotionally) assess our relationships can give us a sense of security that otherwise may not exist. Having a partner that reaffirms their desire and need for what we provide is also essential to developing a secondary relationship in a healthy manner.

While there is no tried and true formula for having the ability to put aside jealousy and/or envy, knowing that you aren't the only one that struggles with these issues, and that they can be managed can go a long way towards growing and having healthier relationships, regardless of their nature.

If you enjoyed this post Subscribe to the OCW Newsletter

Related Posts

Ménage A Trois – Cheating Light

Interview With An Asexual – "Why not just sleep with someone else?"