I found this article about "emotional affairs" written by relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

It is an excellent piece that really needs no introduction. It very clearly makes a point that I firmly believe…

We are all vulnerable!


Relationship Advice: Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair

"But we're just friends" are four of the most dangerous words for your marriage.

But over and over in my office and on the phone I hear it: "We are just friends, there is nothing going on."

The majority of extramarital_affairs begin as "just friends." While it is certainly true that there are affairs that begin with impulsive one-night stands with a stranger, the most common ones that I see begin as "just_friends." In fact, if you find yourself thinking or saying "but we are just friends" you are probably already in trouble.

Gary Rosberg of America's Family Coaches states that there are at least 19 stages a person will pass through on the way to physically consummating an extramarital affair. There are at least two important notions that we can lift from Rosberg's statement:

• At each and every one of the 19 steps, you have a clear choice between going further down or stopping the process. In other words, these things don't "just happen."
• An affair - by the way, I hate that term!

  It makes it sound like it is this wonderful experience with no consequences … as in "It was a grand affair." In my marital counseling and relationship coaching experience, adultery breaks up marriages, wrecks families and crushes kids.

  Anyway, now that my rant is over, an affair becomes adultery long before the physical act. In fact, emotional affairs can be stronger and more difficult to get out of than physical affairs.

The late Shirley Glass was a pioneer in the area of emotional affairs. In her 2003 book "NOT Just Friends: Protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal," Glass identifies three red flags that indicate that you have progressed from a safe friendship to a romantic emotional affair.

1) You feel closer to your friend than you do your spouse.

You find yourself thinking of this person more and more often and looking forward to the next time you are together. When something happens during the day, the first person you think of telling is this friend, not your spouse.

2) Keeping secrets.

You no longer feel comfortable telling your spouse about this person. You begin to cover up so as not to be found out.

3) An increasing sexual tension.

You admit your attraction for each other, but promise (complain) that you can never act on it. You fantasize what it would be like to be with this person. This helps to create a pretend world where everything would be wonderful if the two of you could just be together.

One of the most overlooked and dangerous facts about emotional_affairs is that we are all vulnerable. If you believe that this fact does not apply to you, then you are even more vulnerable than everyone else.

How to protect yourself and your relationship

• Keep clear boundaries. A boundary is simply what kids mean when they say "don't go there."
• Avoid being alone with and/or emotionally close to someone to whom you are attracted.
• Talk often about your spouse. "Spouse bashing" does not count. Talk about what you have done lately and what you are looking forward to with your spouse.
• If you are going to talk about emotional issues in your marriage, make sure you are talking to your spouse, a trusted friend who is on the side of you and your marriage or a professional who is on the side of your marriage.
• Be especially careful at work. More and more emotional affairs are occurring in the workplace. You spend time together, you go through crises together, you solve problems together. Do not make a habit of taking private lunches or breaks with the same person over and over.

Set up a review committee in your mind. Ask yourself, "Would my wife, my mom, my wife's mom, my sister approve of what I am doing right now?" or, "Would my husband, my dad, my husband's dad, my brother approve of what I am doing right now?"

If the answer is no, then I offer you what I call my RLH prescription.

RHL stands for Run Like Hell!

Here is a cold dose of reality: 75 percent of marriages between affair partners result in divorce.

In closing, remember that we are all vulnerable, watch for the warning signs, and protect yourself and your marriage.

For more strategies and tips for recovery and prevention of emotional affairs, you can pre-order the brand new e-book "Your Emotional Affair: The Ultimate Guide to Recovery and Prevention" at www.YourEmotionalAffair.com From relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

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Cyber sex, or Internet infidelity is not something to be taken lightly.

The Internet is a virtual playground for those tempted to cheat.

Email, instant messaging, web cams, and porn/dating sites are dangerous tools in the hands of a lonely or dissatisfied spouse! What starts out as innocent "chat" can quickly turn very personal and sexual.

The Center For Sexual Health posted some very interesting Facts About Cyber sex Addiction you should read. Actually, there is a lot of helpful information on this site from Alexandra Katehakis, a Los Angeles based Marriage, Family Therapist, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.

Many people are becoming addicted to cyber sex!

Are you one of them? If you are excusing your online behavior as a harmless "diversion" from the realities of life, then why do you feel so damned guilty?.

You try to convince yourself that you are not cheating because no physical contact is being made. You know you are wrong or you wouldn't keep that second browser on car quotes or ladies fashion open to escape to when your partner walks into the room.

I would be far less threatened by a spouse who admitted to a "one night stand". I mean accidents happen right? A few drinks, great music, some harmless flirting and the next thing you know, you're staring at a naked person in bed and you can't remember their name. There is no emotional connection…it was just sex.

Cybersex is different. You have spent hours building an emotional and very personal connection with someone who "understands" you. The more you "connect" with your cyber-lover, the more you diconnect from your real partner. You tell your cyber-lover things that you would never consider telling your spouse. Have you ever wondered why?

• Why it is so much easier to describe to a cyber-lover what you like in the bedroom than it is to tell your spouse?
• Why is it so much easier to describe your emotional needs online?

Fear of rejection!

If you tell your wife that you might like to try a little "light bondage" she may freak out. Then you are stuck with the embarrasement of rejection and a wife who thinks you're a pervert!

If you tell your husband that you need to "talk" you know you are going to get that "deer caught in the headlights" look.

Rejection.

Rejection in cyberspace is far less humiliating and painful. If your lover doesn't approve of your sexual fantasies or your emotional needs you simply move on until you find one who does.

Sound familiar?

Cyber-affairs seldom remain in cyberspace. When you find that "special someone" who does meet your needs you will meet.

Beware. Often online affairs do not resemble the "real thing". In cyberspace, you can take your time when answering a "tricky" question. You can always use "phone-brb" to excuse yourself for a few minutes. This gives you time to think about your answer and be certain it is what they want to hear.

We don't have that luxury when face-to-face. When you ask your spouse a question, you get an answer in real time, off the top of their head, a first reaction. Often the answer is not what you wanted to hear. Had they had the luxury of "phone-brb", they may have put more thought into their answer and it may have been quite different.

Don't be surprised if your online lover turns out to be quite "human" and not so perfect when you finally meet! You will have wasted much valuable time and risked your relationship with your real partner for an "e-dream".

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"I am not married, so I am not really cheating." Is that what you are thinking?

A man that I had known for years once suggested that we should 'get together'. He had been married and divorced three times and was currently living with a woman and her two kids from a previous marriage.

He harbored a fair bit of 'ill will' toward his ex-wives because each had been unfaithful to him. Three cheating wives? That suggests to me that he wasn't really in touch with what women need in the first place, but that is another story.

Anyway, this man adamantly proclaimed that cheating was the one thing that he could not tolarate from a wife. Imagine my surprise then at his suggestion that we get together since he was already living with another woman!

When I asked him if he would not be doing the very thing that he loathed so much in his ex-wives, his answer was "no, I am not married to her so it's not cheating".

Excuse me? With or without a marriage license, if you are living with someone that you are intimately involved with, does that person not have a right to expect faithfulness from you?

The funny thing was, that although this man claimed that he was not cheating, his actions said otherwise. He did not want this woman to know that he would be meeting me and had no plans to tell her about it. My thoughts? Aha! So you do know that you are cheating after all!

It's pretty evident that today more and more couples are leaning toward cohabitation rather than marriage. Why is this?

It shouldn't, but it seems to. My thoughts on this would be to follow the Golden Rule - "Do onto others as you would have them do unto you".

If you are living with someone but seeing someone else, ask yourself this. "Would I be upset if the person I am living with was having an intimate relationship with someone else?"

If your answer is yes, then you are cheating. If your answer is no, then maybe the question should be - "Why are we together in the first place?"

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