I found this article about "emotional affairs" written by relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

It is an excellent piece that really needs no introduction. It very clearly makes a point that I firmly believe…

We are all vulnerable!


Relationship Advice: Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair

"But we're just friends" are four of the most dangerous words for your marriage.

But over and over in my office and on the phone I hear it: "We are just friends, there is nothing going on."

The majority of extramarital_affairs begin as "just friends." While it is certainly true that there are affairs that begin with impulsive one-night stands with a stranger, the most common ones that I see begin as "just_friends." In fact, if you find yourself thinking or saying "but we are just friends" you are probably already in trouble.

Gary Rosberg of America's Family Coaches states that there are at least 19 stages a person will pass through on the way to physically consummating an extramarital affair. There are at least two important notions that we can lift from Rosberg's statement:

• At each and every one of the 19 steps, you have a clear choice between going further down or stopping the process. In other words, these things don't "just happen."
• An affair - by the way, I hate that term!

  It makes it sound like it is this wonderful experience with no consequences … as in "It was a grand affair." In my marital counseling and relationship coaching experience, adultery breaks up marriages, wrecks families and crushes kids.

  Anyway, now that my rant is over, an affair becomes adultery long before the physical act. In fact, emotional affairs can be stronger and more difficult to get out of than physical affairs.

The late Shirley Glass was a pioneer in the area of emotional affairs. In her 2003 book "NOT Just Friends: Protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal," Glass identifies three red flags that indicate that you have progressed from a safe friendship to a romantic emotional affair.

1) You feel closer to your friend than you do your spouse.

You find yourself thinking of this person more and more often and looking forward to the next time you are together. When something happens during the day, the first person you think of telling is this friend, not your spouse.

2) Keeping secrets.

You no longer feel comfortable telling your spouse about this person. You begin to cover up so as not to be found out.

3) An increasing sexual tension.

You admit your attraction for each other, but promise (complain) that you can never act on it. You fantasize what it would be like to be with this person. This helps to create a pretend world where everything would be wonderful if the two of you could just be together.

One of the most overlooked and dangerous facts about emotional_affairs is that we are all vulnerable. If you believe that this fact does not apply to you, then you are even more vulnerable than everyone else.

How to protect yourself and your relationship

• Keep clear boundaries. A boundary is simply what kids mean when they say "don't go there."
• Avoid being alone with and/or emotionally close to someone to whom you are attracted.
• Talk often about your spouse. "Spouse bashing" does not count. Talk about what you have done lately and what you are looking forward to with your spouse.
• If you are going to talk about emotional issues in your marriage, make sure you are talking to your spouse, a trusted friend who is on the side of you and your marriage or a professional who is on the side of your marriage.
• Be especially careful at work. More and more emotional affairs are occurring in the workplace. You spend time together, you go through crises together, you solve problems together. Do not make a habit of taking private lunches or breaks with the same person over and over.

Set up a review committee in your mind. Ask yourself, "Would my wife, my mom, my wife's mom, my sister approve of what I am doing right now?" or, "Would my husband, my dad, my husband's dad, my brother approve of what I am doing right now?"

If the answer is no, then I offer you what I call my RLH prescription.

RHL stands for Run Like Hell!

Here is a cold dose of reality: 75 percent of marriages between affair partners result in divorce.

In closing, remember that we are all vulnerable, watch for the warning signs, and protect yourself and your marriage.

For more strategies and tips for recovery and prevention of emotional affairs, you can pre-order the brand new e-book "Your Emotional Affair: The Ultimate Guide to Recovery and Prevention" at www.YourEmotionalAffair.com From relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

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So, Who's Cheating Now?

Are You Tempted To Cheat?

Signs Of A Cheating Spouse

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You are a woman. You are intuitive. You "sense" that something about your relationship with your husband or partner has changed. You may be right!

Many of the physical signs of a cheating spouse apply to both sexes. The renewed focus on fitness and appearance, the new clothes and the change in interests. Those things are pretty universal to both men and women.

But what about the more subtle changes? The little things that went unnoticed prior to the physical signs becoming obvious?

It use to be that having an affair was strictly a "contact sport". One had to physically be in an environment where adulterous opportunities presented themselves. Nights out with the boys, business trips, working late, these were all potentially hazardous situations.

Today, the Internet has opened up a whole new world of danger for struggling relationships. One no longer has to even leave the house to find trouble! With a few clicks of the mouse, a dissatisfied partner can easily initiate an online affair with anyone of the millions of available people in cyberspace "looking for love".

In the comfort of your own home, and in complete anonymity, your husband may have initiated an online relationship with someone who poses every bit as much of a threat as the gorgeous blonde next door!

The dangerous difference between an online affair and a "chance meeting" on a night out is that online affairs are often cultivated for months before a physical meeting takes place. There is a substantial emotional investment made through hours of cyber chat.

A husband may convince himself that he is not really cheating as long as the relationship remains in cyberspace and no physical contact is made but, that seldom happens.

In a recent survey by Melbourne's Swineburne University, it was discovered that 41 percent of all people looking for love online are living with a partner. It was relatively rare for online romances to remain in cyberspace without meeting face to face.

These are scary statistics!

So, what should you be looking for?

A change in his overall mood.

• He may be happier and more outgoing.
• He may be quite, more secretive and distant.
• He may become more easily annoyed with the kids or disinterested in their activities.
• He may "pick a fight" to get away from the family.

A change in his work habits.

• He may watch far less television than usual due to an increased computer work load.
• He may avoid family outings because of computer work "deadlines" for the office.
• He may opt for his own personal laptop instead of the usual family computer.

Once an online affair becomes physical…

• He may have to work late at the office more.
• He may take more business trips.
• He may not be at work when you call his office.
• He may withhold more money than usual.
• He may leave the room to talk when his cell phone rings.
• His friends and co-workers may seem uncomfortable around you. They know!
• He may "pick a fight" allowing him to storm out of the house.

And here is the "Big One" to throw you completely of his trail…

• He may accuse you of having an affair! That one often tends to stop women in their tracks. I mean, who would suspect that their husband is having an affair if he is angrily questioning your fidelity right? Wrong! That is a very common "red herring". Beware!

None of these "signs of a cheating husband" are conclusive. If your husband exhibits any of these behaviors, take notice but do not jump to hasty conclusions! Many insecure women have let fear and paranoia cloud their judgement. Quick judgements can often lead to bad decisions!

If you are concerned about the possibility of your husband or partner cheating on you, ask yourself why? Why would he want to have an affair? Is he getting what he needs from me?

Men, although they don't often admit it, need to feel loved, appreciated and accepted just as women do. Yes, their egos may need stroking every now and then and they do require sex. Annoying and time consuming you say? No more so than your need to talk and cuddle is to them!

In spite of their outward and very necessary macho facade, men can be just as sensitive and insecure in a relationship as women are. As human beings, we all need love and recognition!

So…maybe underneath your fear that your husband may stray, you secretly know (if you are honest with yourself) that at times you may give him reason to?

• Are you the same woman he fell in love with?
• Do you keep yourself in shape?
• Do you show and interest in his activities?
• Do you make him feel special?
• Do you make time just for him?
• Do you ever say "I Love You"?

Never take anyone that you care about for granted. Complacency can easily be translated into lack of interest.

Put the kids to bed early tonight and spend some quality time with your husband.

Affairs do not damage relationships. They are the result of relationships already damaged!

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Signs Of A Cheating Wife

Signs Of A Cheating Spouse

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Men are not the only "villians" in the infidelity game. Nope! Wives and girlfriends are fast learning the ropes when it comes to cheating.

As of today, the top searches on the subject are:

"cheating wife" - 164,560
"cheating husband" - 16,979

Hmmm…what does that tell you?

Maybe men are more suspicious than women are? I doubt it.

Maybe men just need more help is spotting the "signs" than women do? Possibly.

or…

Maybe ladies, it's time to quit playing the 'wounded victim' game and fess up? Not likely!

We still prefer to depict infidelity as a "man's sport".

So, guys, what are the signs of a cheating wife?

The list below is not conclusive. If your wife or girlfriend exhibits any of these behaviors, it is not a "written in stone" indication of infidelity. Consider them a "wake-up call" to you.

A renewed interest in her appearance.

• Did you notice the new clothes?
• Sexy new undergarments?
• The new hairstyle?
• The freshly manicured fingers and toes?
• The new perfume?
• The weight loss? She's been going to the gym you know…you didn't?

See, that's the thing, you got complacent about your wife and stopped looking, but someone else is!

She spends more time away from home.

• Have you wondered why the sudden interest in taking night classes?
• How about working late? You did notice that because supper was late right?
• Does a "night out with the girls" ring any bells? You were busy watching football, so what?

A change in her overall mood.

• She may have become quiet and broody. When this happens, she is often evaluating all of the negative aspects of your relationship in an effort to justify her new one.
• On the other hand, she may become happier, more outgoing and attentive to you. And sex? Wow! When did she learn to give a blow job like that? That's a good thing right? It is if you acknowledge the change. It may just save you. She may be trying to overcompensate out of guilt. But…she may be offering you "one last chance" to pay attention before life as you know it, comes to an end.

She has acquired the "tools of the trade".

• Her purse can hold a whole "other life" and is seldom out of her reach. You didn't know she had a cell phone in there did you? Birth control pills? Passwords to dating sites? Photographs? A separate bank account? Wow!
• She spends much time on the computer, always with an extra browser open to switch to just in case you walk in the room. You probably won't though, you are busy drinking a beer and watching the baseball game.
• "Insomnia" is treated with web-surfing not television. Chat rooms and secret email accounts are her main focus.

She may have developed some new interests.

• Since when does she like going to the theatre?
• Shrimp scampi and rice pilaf, for supper? What is that? Where are the meat and potatoes?
• And what's up with the 101 romantic love songs CD? You thought she liked country.

She may have developed some "disinterests" as well.

• Mainly, in having sex with you. Well you weren't getting much before you say, but now, there's none! A woman will often try to be "faithful" to her lover.
• She doesn't show much interest in planning for the future anymore. Her mind is on a whole other future.
• She doesn't bug you anymore about being away too much. Your nights "out with the boys" are perfectly okay with her. What's up?

"What's up" is that somewhere along the way, the two of you lost touch with each other. A communication break down and complacency has led her to believe that you do not value her anymore.

• When was the last time that you actually had a conversation with your wife?
• When was the last time that you made her feel that her opinion mattered?
• When was the last time that you really looked at her?
• When was the last time that you asked her how her day went?
• When was the last time that you paid her a compliment?
• When was the last time that you said "thank you"?
• When was the last time that you took her somewhere special?
• When was the last time that you bought her flowers?
• When was the last time that you told her "I Love You"?

Now take a look at yourself. Are you the same man she married? Are you still that handsome, outgoing, fun guy she fell in love with? No?

Here's a tip…Never take what you have for granted!

Have you considered what life would be like without your wife? Do you think she may be cheating on you? Do you still love her? Do you still want her?

Then shut off the television, leave the beer in the fridge and go for a nice, healthy walk. When you wife gets home tonight, take a good look at her. If you still like what you see…tell her!

It's a start!

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When it comes to detecting infidelity in your spouse or partner, intuition is a powerful thing!

If your "spider senses" are telling you that there is something wrong with your relationship - you're probably right.

Anyone who has experienced true emotional intimacy with their partner will certainly notice even subtle changes in them.

Some people "have a feeling" that their spouse is cheating and choose to ignore it. They have seen the signs but, out of fear, they turn a blind eye hoping that they are wrong and that it will just "go away".

Others, based on those feelings, will look for other physical clues to substantiate their suspicions. For them, the need to know, one way or the other, is necessary in order for them to continue in the relationship.

There are people too, who claim that they had no warning, that there were no signs. The affair just came from nowhere when everything seemed to be going so well.

There are always signs!
You may not have heeded the warnings, but the signs were there.

We tend to get very complacent about our relationships. What was once new, romantic and exciting is now very familiar, comfortable and routine. It's like going from silk underwear and black lace teddies to boxers and flannel nighties. More comfortable, more practical and much less preparation time!

Taking your spouse or partner for granted is a fatal mistake!

Did you even notice that your wife had her hair done? Do you know what color shirt your husband is wearing right now? When was the last time you said "I love you"? I'm not talking about the "luv ya" at the end of a phone conversation or on your way out the door. I'm talking about actually touching and looking at your spouse or partner and really saying "I love you"!

You may be too busy. You may be too tired. Life can get hectic and exhausting but somehow, you have to make the time to stay connected!

When you stop talking, touching or even looking at each other, the intimacy is gone. When that happens, your relationship is at serious risk. Your spouse or partner needs to know that they are loved and needed - today!

"Tomorrow is not always another day" Scarlett and emotional "absence does make the heart grow fonder" - of someone else!

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