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Does A Wife’s Illness Justify Husband Cheating?
21:39 by cenglish · 3 Comments
A few days back, one of my readers asked an excellent question in the comments section of the article called:
Cheating Husbands – What Are The Signs?
I have done all you recommend. At 47 I looked 10 years younger. I ignored the extra 30 pounds he was dragging around and the fact that he is lousy in bed and uninterested in improving (believe me, Ive tried). I was in fabulous shape, worked, cooked beautiful dinners, gave him massages, and yes, I swallow. But I got sick. I can barely make it through a workday. I can’t work out like I used to and have lost a lot of weight. He said he married a woman, not an illness (this has been going on for 2 years) and he’s not interested in sex with me because he’s not willing to do the “heavy lifting.” I just discovered online that he joined a swinger’s club here in town. He has a userid so I know he’s registered. The thing is I don’t want him to know that I can check his history and know his passwords or he’ll just hide it. But if he’s with a bunch of sluts and who knows, maybe guys too I don’t want him touching me and giving me HIV or something. I already have lymphoma. How does an ugly cancer-ridden hag keep her husband interested? Other than the sex he’s been pretty decent and taken care of me.
This woman has found herself in a sad situation through no fault of her own. Unfortunately, her predicament is not uncommon. “I married a woman not an illness” is a cold and callous remark but one that many women hear when they find that their husbands are unable or unwilling to cope with the situation.
I really felt that this lady deserved an honest and helpful answer so I asked my friend, “True” what her thoughts were on the subject. True has “real” insight into the minds of cheaters. She understands the trials, tribulations and guilt that people are faced with in their relationships. Why? Because she is among them. In her own words:
I find the people out here in “affairland” intriguing, and enjoy the dialog that’s ever-changing….we are all so different even if at our cores we seek the same things.
I always find True’s evaluations of other people’s situations to be accurate and her suggestions to be very practical and helpful. She’s kind of like the “Dear Abby” of the “affairland” as she calls it. Below I am going to give you True’s response to me regarding this lady’s question “verbatim” because I think it is terrific!
Hopefully it will help her and many other women out there who find themselves in a similar situation.
Here is her answer…
I see a few things in this message, and will tackle them one at a time;
The husband is already on a website; he’s basically already left the marriage, and getting him back won’t be easy….the other thing is that he’s on a “swingers” website; this tells me that his interest is in exploring another side of his sexuality. This isn’t uncommon! I know of more than a few that have this interest and are moving in that direction. Both men and women. There are plenty of websites that he could be on to find another woman, but he’s looking for something else. While his wife might be able to compete with another woman she has the wrong equipment to try that with a man…or with a couple. If that’s his interest, and she still wants to keep him, then she may need to open the door to those possibilities for herself. The other option here might be (if they haven’t already) to allow him to explore with her this interest through porn, bringing another partner into their lives virtually rather than in reality. Another possibility if she finds that she needs him as a caretaker or to survive financially, is to try and come to terms with an “open-marriage” type of situation. She doesn’t seem to be moving in that direction, but I know of a woman the has vulvodynia and that concept has worked very well for her for over 10 years. She has just recently started stepping-out herself, still working on overcoming the physical difficulties that she experiences. =) She is proof positive that stepping out and finding what you need despite illnesses and obstacles isn’t out of the question!
She is obviously already “at risk” and should take the necessary precautions to protect herself in the event that he’s not. From her description, he’s probably not… I think that worrying about him knowing that she’s onto him is secondary to protecting herself…I’d let him know, that I know…what else can she possibly find out or gain through secrecy that would be to her advantage at this point? The details are all that remain, and those can be painful, and will do her no favors.
He says that “he’s married to a woman, not a disease”, that he’s not willing to do the “heavy lifting”, and then she refers to herself as an “ugly cancer-ridden hag” =( This saddens me! Are these her words, or his? Has she bought into his POV regarding this very serious illness and the changes it’s created for her? “Other than sex he’s been pretty decent and taken care of me”. I disagree…he’s torn her down, made her out to be something that she’s not, and has quickly forgotten all the great things that she’s done for and been for him. She deserves to be taken care of, to be cherished, and to be loved unconditionally. He’s a Loser. Dump his sorry ass…if he’s overweight, hasn’t taken care of himself, and is lazy and lousy in the bedroom, his swinging days will be limited! He has a huge wake-up call in his future, and she may as well start planning her future now rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Obviously this is a tough one, because I don’t know all the details of her situation…but that’s my synopsis of the situation.
I apologize that I didn’t answer this in an email format, but wanted you to see my thought processes…sometimes those things are just as important as the answers. Knowing the “why” behind things gives people a better perspective and avoids the “because I told you so” syndrome that we grew up with! I wish her the best!
Do you agree with True?
I do!
Hmmm…maybe we’ll start an “Ask True” section here on Cheating Ways! 
What do you think?
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Beautiful Enslavement
I am reading this to get some perspective & love this article. In fact, I love this entire site! I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder & emotional instability disorder. It explains the flip and switch happy to rage. I triggered into painfully hurting with my words. I’m sick from the neck up. Yes, I’m in the process of medications & therapy.
This difficulty rationalizes why my hubby went out of the marriage for sexcapades. I understand he found a lousy way to deal with me, our relationship. It doesn’t make the pain from finding his double life any lighter. Especially when his double life has existed while we were dating & the entire extent of our marriage.
He has called me a crazy bitch. I agree with him. That’s why I’m getting professional help.
He wants to continue with our marriage. I can’t see how it’s healthy to be with someone that’s lied this long to me. I busted him earlier, but he used to deny it all & tell me I was crazy. I doubted the facts & my sanity.
He is willing to see me through to get better. I am not willing for him to relapse into a cheating lifestyle. Pre-recorded porn is about as far as it can go in my book. No more chats, web cams, hook ups, look ups, or club connections. It offends our vows. It risks my health from the neck down.
Oh well, I’m ranting my life. Thanks again for the perspective on this article.
I know a husband and wife married for 45 years. I thought that they were a good thing, then a male friend of his told me that the husband bragged about sleeping with other women. Now the wife has ovarian cancer. I know that the HPV virus has 40 varieties that are sexually transmitted, 13 deadly ones that can morph into cervical and other female cancers (+ anal and penile too). Although ovarian cancer is not included (yet!) as a HPV fueled cancer, I seriously doubt that this inhumane man is stopping his risky sex now that his wife has stage III (already had one relapse) cancer. 45 years, a “great love” and he continues to expose her (who came from a family of very high risk for cancer women) to even more cancer risks. I won’t conclude that boys will be boys or that all men are pigs. I will say that there are good men and bad men. Good men will never, ever deceive their wives. I use the words deceive or destroy when talking about sharing your body – your wife’s special gift that is her’s alone – with others. Words like “cheating” and “affair” are too weak and accepted by society. In truth, destroying the “one flesh” beauty of a man and a wife in marriage for life is a usually premeditated crime that is equal to physical battery, emotional RAPE, theft (taking money from a marriage contract to fund a marriage destroying act) and child abuse – no one who loves their spouse or children would be capable of such cruelty to them. An adulterer is walking evil. It’s a shame that families and friends of such a lowlife don’t call them out on their behavior and shame them into taking care of their loved ones, not destroying them. I wish the male members of the husband of the lady with ovarian cancer would kick his ass and make him be the husband he boasts to be- for real. They could help her, protect her and save her the humiliation of his behavior.
my husband is a year younger than me, and i am 24 years , we have been together for 4 years now and we have a cute daughter. i have gone through such situation too. my in-laws were supportive and i could’nt confront my parents as our relationship is a secret from them. we were inseparable and he loves me a lot, we both had our fun in life like clubbing etc, had other lovers before, then we met each other and we got in a situation where he helped me and to decided to relocate together to other state, we loved each other and were crazy in love, he is possessive like me. we fight sometimes and make out well after date, arguments burn our fire for each other more. he is girls man and men admire me, my body is in shape even after marriage. then suddenly, there was spooky distance between us, and i was afraid he is cheating on me, i had dreams, and facebook messages from certain girl. and confronted him, i knew he wont just tell me as he is afraid to lose me, so i said he could have girlfriends if he is bored but he cant have physical relationship, that was my trick… he seemed happy he thought i was serious and he said he have a girlfriend i knew he was not lying from his expresssion then he said he was kidding. i love him very much and i want him to be happy he is young and me too.. so i dint want to spoil our lifes he was in love with someone else. one day he’s mobile got spoiled so he borrowed one from a friend, and on checking i found that it belonged to a girl but he lied saying he have no idea it was his friends phone who is guy and i said let me talk to him but he never let me, then i thought may b m just too pshycho to think that, but i remember not being intimate or having sex with him for a month, i was depressed, i had exams coming up as i was pursuing my higher studies and he was working, but he would b home for just 4 hours, at first he said was working extra hours, i was too tired all the time after the classes so hardly bothered to sit and think, after my exams were over i had all the time to sit and inveticate, so i did, i found out… he was cheating.. i contacted the bitch from his account and told her to meet me, she said she dint knw he was marrid nt untill i said her mails… get to get off him… it really disturbed me, the guy who left everything for me, loved me,, could do that, i thought may be she is prettier than me… but than i know its not true… i was better in every way infact i am the perfect girl for him.. and he knows that.. he denied everything.. even when i called her infront of her.. it was chaos…….. she said he was in love wid her.. and he said thats not true.. i love you.. and i dont knw what happened… why i did that… he had no reason to cheat but he did…. nad i said u can be with her you could have told me i would have happily let you go….n live my own life…
but he wanted me.. but why would she lie…
but i forgave him.. cos i love him but i torturing myself him and everyone.. it was nt easy to forget that bitch what she said, why did they contast what made her think he loved her… i knw guys are dogs they cant help it.. bt i knw him … he loves me.. n how could he say all that to her……
after a year he tells me.. they hardly had sex not more then 5 times.. he had no attraction, hardly met only in the first month but its hard to believe he could be sayibg that to keep me happy he swore it was true.. bt he have sworn before of not knowing that gilr… but one think shocks me.. he have told me b4 we gt married that he beats up his girlfriend but never hit me…. and this girl he meets after me gets badly beat up everytime they fight… i dnt knw wat to think of it.. whether to trust anyone at all…. i wish someone could give me good advice.. its a long story.. my hands hurt typing it 4 an hour omg… so much in my head… i pretend ot forget but i cant and he still hates to talk about it…. and acts as if nothing ever happened……