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Loving Two Men At The Same Time
16:07 by Cindy English · 51 Comments
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Have you ever found yourself in this situation? This is not uncommon. Many women have at some point in their lives asked themselves: “Is possible to love_two_men at the same time?”
Now before you go off on a self-righteous, “no, you are dishonest and selfish” tantrum, think about it!
What is the absolute definition of love? Is there one?
The dictionary says this:
love (lùv) n
1.a. An intense affection for another person based on familial or personal ties. b. A strong affection for or attachment to another person based on regard or shared experiences or interests. 2. An expression of one’s affection. 3.a. An intense attraction to another person based largely on sexual desire. b. The deep affection and tenderness, and concern felt for a person with whom one has or wishes to have a relationship based on sexual attraction. 4.a. Intense sexual passion. b. Sexual intercourse. c. A love affair. 5. An intense emotional attachment.
That’s a lot of different interpretations of love – some sexual, some emotional! Based on those definitions, I believe it is possible to love two men at the same time, but for very different reasons.
One may be dependable and sensitive, appealing to your need for comfort and stability while the other may be adventurous and passionate, appealing to your hidden desire for spontaneity and romance – your “wild side“. We all have one whether we admit it or not.
The trouble with our “wild side” is that we as women have been conditioned through the years to believe that this part of us is unruly, unacceptable and even slutty.
Society, encourages and even romanticizes the “torn between two men” scenario. Pirates Of The Caribbean would be one of the most recent examples.
Elizabeth is caught in just such a predicament. She is struggling with her love for the dependable and reliable Will Turner and the undeniable chemistry between her and the charming but reckless Captain Jack Sparrow.
Is she a slut? Of course not! She is truly caught in an unintentional but powerful love triangle.
Who will she choose? How will she choose? That is a tough one!
- The death of either character, though painful would alleviate her dilemma.
Not a desirable solution. - Unable to decide, she may choose neither and hope to find all of their combined qualities in one man.
Not likely to happen. - She may remove herself from the situation for an extended period of time to clear her head and try to make a rational decision.
To me, this would be the best option.
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Will Turner would quite obviously be Elizabeth’s best choice for a life partner. He is sensitive, compassionate, reliable and loves her deeply. She must realize that Captain Jack Sparrow will not change. Although his passion and unpredictability appeal to her now, as she grows older, she will yearn for sensitivity and stability that Jack will never be able to provide. He is emotionally immature. With time, the very qualities that she now loves, she would come to resent.
One thing is certain. Just as society romanticizes Elizabeth’s predicament, so too, does it demand that she make a choice. She does have to choose between Will and Jack just as any woman who finds herself in this situation will. No one can help you with that decision but society does demand that you make it.
Through our own self imposed restrictions, with the exception of a few cultures that practice polygamy, it is just not seen as acceptable to “love” two men at once.
Related Posts:
In Love With Two Men At Once – POTC
Beautiful Enslavement
I totally relate to this
I fell back into the charms of my former husband as I got to spend some good time with him ! The fisrt time IO had met him it was love at first sight pure passion, I fzelt he was a soulmate ! He is the artist and wild part of myself, ! But then at the same moment just after having fallen again (after 6 years of separation for my e) IO fall in love with another man, very exciting also fun, and so much more close to me, reassuring, showing and displaying love to me, ready to share everything with me, available…in a way my ex never has been and never will be. My ex is unpredictable, deceptive, I am never quite sure of what’s on his mind! He is rather selfish and thinks of his interest first, his friends his playing music always comes first! I am always frustrated with him and my new love is the exact opposite! I can rely on him, he promeses something I can be sure it will be, he does not abandon me, make me wait in vain and so on… shame all this happens at the same time because I cant give my ex a second chance without losing my new love. But if I prove to be mistaken on this new love it is also a big shame
Hi cec,
You know what? It has taken 13 years for my ex, who was much as you describe yours, to apologize for the mess he made (he cheated). I never remarried, he did. Now, he is going through a divorce. A part of me still loves him and finds him very exciting but…he has not changed. I can tell, just by talking to him. I wonder IF he would have apologized had his 2nd marriage not failed. Sometimes I think that we tend to “romanticize” our first love. Years pass and the anger fades. We tend to “overlook” the bad stuff. I think that if I was face to face with my ex, (we are 2000 miles apart and speak only by phone) I might feel his “pull”. A fling for old times sake might be fun, but then, I am not currently involved with anyone else so I have nothing to lose and no harm would be done. However, if I were in your shoes, I would AVOID him like the plague! You have already been down that road…what was, WILL be again. What failed before will likely fail again.
You sound like you have a wonderful partner now and you know that. I hope you go for what is truly good and will last, not the “heat of the moment” because it will pass! But…whatever you decide, I wish you good luck!
I am in this very predicament (loving two men) and I struggle everyday with making a decision. I left my husband (we’ll call him B), whom I was with for nearly 13 years to live with someone else (we’ll call him G) about 6 months ago. G is so sweet, loving, caring, gracious, etc…he’s all about “me” (not himself, but me); B is all about “me,” too (that is…himself “me”). G has my coffee ready in the morning when I get up, lunch ready when I come from work, house is cleaned, dishes done, garbage out, etc….Not to mention, G is the best in bed that I’ve ever been with! I haven’t been disappointed, not even once!
So what’s the problem you ask? B and I have been through a lot together in 13 years and I find it very difficult to throw all that away; we’ve traveled and journeyed and overcome challenges together; we’ve hung tight through thick and thin, beat off the beasts (egos) together, etc…and we are connected “spiritually.” We understand each other like no one else does. We finish each others sentences; we share ideas, morals, truths and know when to give each other space. We are both artists, so we create many things together; we support each other in our adventures, and welcome change. We’re just not very good together in the bedroom, nor do we spend enough time together—we tend to do “our own thing” more. We even ended up sleeping in different beds the last year or so.
G knows that I still have a desire to try and make it work with B, but I told him I will not cross that line as long as I am with him. B also knows I will not leave G if B doesn’t get his life together (he’s battling alcoholism). So I stay where I am, love the one I am with (G), but I keep the hope alive that B will someday get his sh__ together again and that we’ll get another chance.
The problem is, they both want me to make a decision now, and that is where I fall short! They are both beautiful people in their own right and both have just as many beautiful qualities…they just happen to be qualities in different areas. I’m afraid if I don’t give my marriage another chance (believe me, it’s not the first chance by any means) I will regret it for a long time, maybe always. But, if I do give it another chance and it doesn’t exist anymore for us (me and B), then I will have lost the best thing that’s happened to me (G).
Either way, someone gets hurt and this saddens my heart immensely! In the meantime, I pray to be shown the way.
kjc
i think it is more than possible to love 2 ppl at the same time! But it puts one in such a predicament. Coz u have to hurt the one to keep the other happy. Making a choice like that is probably the hardest you’ll ever make!!! One day you think the one way and the next day the other. We need to start thinking bout ourselves too for a change ladies. We are too sensitive to everyone else’s feelings and leave ours for granted all too often. Follow your hearts!!!
I love my husband. we have two kids under 2 yrs old. I love my ex bf still to. I hurt so bad sometimes. I hurts because i dont want to leave my husband but im not totaly happy without my ex. I have two babys with my husband and dont want to tear them away from there daddy. Ill never know what to do………
Lacey
Try this one then, i have been married for 7 yrs to a great guy, we have had major problems from even before we married from his ex and my own, alot of secrets where kept from me until after i married him, i totally love him but things i found out i would not of married him if i had of new beforehand, since this it has been rocky, he leftonce to go back to his ex without even telling me he just left a letter. we both have done wrong(not cheating) well i have not i just dont know if he has or not as even when he left and went back to his ex he sz it was only for his kids. years later i hav fallen inlov over again with him and i really know deep down if we break it wud killme. But the thing is recently i have met another guy, well not met we just talk and tx alot, we both think we have fallen inlove with each other though he is also married but swears it is over with her that once there financial situation is sorted he plans to leave her, this was even before he spoke to me. The thing is i cant get enough off him., i know its so wrong but theres just something about him im obbsessed with and just want him more and more. we both talk every single day several times and both say we miss each other like mad, he doesnt sleep with her he tells me but how am i realy meant to know that, the problem is i have a very sexual relationship that i love with my husband we are very electrifying together until last night, last night i closed my eyes through makin lov and all i could see and think about was the other guy, i felt guilty like i had cheated on him and i dont know what to do. I have tried stopping contact with this other guy but that doesnt work, i cant help myself i just need him there and i think he is the same about me, we miss each other so much when we arent chatting.. i truely am torn i dont want to hurt either of them and im hurting myself everyday over this, i just cant seem to break free from it, hes on my mind 24/7 and im sure my hubbie thinks theres something wrong but how can i tell him this it would kill him. any ideas?
I have been in love with two men at the same time when I was younger. It’s frustrating because of the restrictions that society puts on us but I think it’s all very natural.
This sounds just like me !! What did you do??
I’m confused I’ve been with my ex for 2 years but thought I was falling in love with this boy I met.I’ve seen him everyday and he just makes me so happy and my ex has hurt me so much I just dnt knw what to do.I dnt wanna hurt neither of them.what do I do!
I have been married for many years to a lovely kind man but years before, when i was at high school I was in love with a gorgous guy. He never knew. My Ma thought he was wonderful and really wanted me to go with him but as an awkward teenager, I wouldn’t and anyway he hadn’t asked me. We remained friends after my first marriage and then lost touch when he married. I never forgot him and always wondered where he was. My Ma told me he called before i got married to ask if she could do anything about stopping me. She never told me this until 3 years ago. We’re back in touch now and very much in love but both married to lovely people who don’t deserve any hurt. It’s hard as I love them both and couldn’t bare to lose either of them out of my life. They both play a vital part in my life. I can’t imagine having to choose.
I slept with my husbands (back then bf) 3 years ago, this guy was married at the time. I left them both after that, it was 2 much and I was confused. After 2 years I got back with my ex and got married, I found out they were no longer friendsdont know why. Last year this guy got separated and eventually got a divorce. We started talking and I have feelings for him, I miss him and desire him so much. My marriage is not going very well my husban doesn’t give a damn about m and we have financial problems cuz he isn’t doing well. I’ll I know I’d that I’m confused and font know which direction to take I’m afraid to end up alone.
Try this one on for size. I adored my husband. I was the lucky one. He was fabulous. He was everything any woman could have asked for. After eighteen years of marriage, he had a terrible stroke. Physically, he is fine but emotionally and mentally he has changed. We have three children under the age of 16. I have hung in there for three years. During my struggles to stay afloat, one of his closest friends became my confident. He helped me to hold our lives together. During this time we fell in love. He adores me. Everyday is a struggle with my husband. I miss the person he was so much. I miss the beautiful love that we shared but he has changed. My children recognize this. I feel as if I am a horrible person for loving his friend who has dragged me from emotional disaster. However, the moments I spend with him, are magical. I melt like butter on hot toast just by looking in his eyes. When he kisses me, I become putty in his arms. He has helped me to escape from this tragedy that I live each day. I have tried to give him up so many times because I realize that it is never too late to do what is right, but I miss him so much that my heart aches. I know that the most important thing is my husband and my children but I so miss feeling good for myself. Please tell me that I am not a horrible person.
kay addy:
You are by no means a terrible person. I have personally witnessed the drastic change in a man who has suffered a stroke twice now. First, with my father, then with my uncle. For anyone in doubt, just as you say, they DO change mentally and not just a little bit. Stroke victims seem to come out on the other side a whole different person and if I am honest, not a “nice” person. They can be extremely difficult to deal with and they seem to take their anger and frustration out on the people who care about them the most! I watched as my Mom was hurt repeatedly by this behavior from both her husband and her brother. She took care of both of them until the end as she felt as you do but it was so difficult for her. I often found myself hoping for her “freedom” if you know what I mean.
I admire you for staying with your husband and I truly feel sad for your loss because the husband you knew and loved so much IS lost to you. Do not feel guilty or ashamed for the comfort and love you receive from your friend. You need him to stay sane! Were I in your shoes, I would do the same thing. You are doing the best you can for your husband and children but I do not believe that anyone should have to sacrifice their life completely for another. That may sound selfish but that’s just what I believe. Life is too damned short to live it for someone else! Take care of your family but take care of YOU too!
I wish you the best!
My story is very different then any I’ve read on here but I’m going to tell it anyway… My husband and i have been together for 7 years… about 4 years ago we got in to the swinging lifestyle. We were only into couples. We had been “exclusive” with one couple for about 2 years. In that time we have fallen in love we have so much in common. He is in fact quite the opposite of my husband. The other man is in a committed relationship and we don’t want anything to change. I love my husband and I will never leave, the other man loves his wife and will never leave her… this is the way we want it. We get to be intimate with one another when we “play” as couples. Nothing changes. It’s not so complicated. No my husband and the other man’s wife do not know we have feelings for each other. It may be wrong to hide that but that’s the way it’s been and has to be. We don’t love our spouses any less or do anything without them knowing.
MY STORY RIGHT NOW AS I SPEAK IM IN LOVE WITH MY BABY’S FATHER OF 6 YRS AND RECENTLY FELL FOR ANOTHER GUY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME IDK HONESTLY ITS JUST MY BABY’S FATHER WORKS FROM 9 TO 5 MONDAY THROUGH SATURDAY AND THEN 6 TO 11 OR 12 MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAYSO FROM THE AM TO THE AM I DONT SEE HIM ALL DAY LONG AND WELL ITS FRUSTRATING AND WE ARE BOTH ONLY 21 AND I FIND INTEREST IN A 29 YR OLD HE TELLS ME HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME SHOWS ME HOW MUCH HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME HAS THE BEST ORAL AND LOVE MAKING EVER. HE HOLDS ME AND CARESSES ME AS IF HE NEVER WANTS TO LET ME GO AND ITS BASICALLY EVERYTHING I WOULD WANT IN A MAN AND THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS SITUATION IS THAT MY BABY’S FATHER KNOWS THAT I HAD AN AFFAIR WITH THIS GUY BUT HE FORGIVES AND TAKES ME BACK ON TOP OF THAT REVEAL SOME INFIDELITY THAT HE HAS COMMITTED DURING OUR 6 YRS TOGETHER BUT WE TRY AND START THINGS FRESH 2010 BUT THE SPARK AND ROMANCE ISNT THERE AND I FEEL AS THOUGH IM PRESSURING MY HAPPINESS AND MAKING IT SEEM LIKE WE ARE THE HAPPIEST COUPLE BUT TRULY IM NOT HAPPY I STILL ACT THE SAME AS I DO FLIRTATIOUS ME AS I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN BUT WHAT DO I DO IM CONFUSED AND LOST?
hi i was once involved with a married man the relationship was on and off and lasted for more than 3 yrs. I really tried to forget him but I always fail. Then I decided to try to entertain some other guy and then i met him the guy who became my husband. The sex is great much better than my ex. We left the country and get married. But at times i think of my ex then for some reason he contacted me and we constantly on chat. I thought that my love for my husband is strong enough that i would not feel the same thing i had wiht my ex before. My husband is a good person, responsible and love me so dearly but sometime he lacks giving me what i really need which is sex. If I want to have sex he will give it after we had an argument first. And now I found myself yearning my ex and he always wants to see me naked when we chat. I know that what Im doing is wrong but i couldnt find myself to forget him i know that i love him but i dont want to leave my husband. What will I do to get rid of this horrible feelings. pls. help me. i hate myself
I’ve never met anyone in the same situation as me. I hope I am not alone. I met the man who would become my husband 13 years ago. A couple of years later, I fell in love with his bf. I never confessed my feelings to the bf and we never cheated (sexually) but we spent a lot of time together and grew very close. After a while, I knew I had to make a decision: either confront the bf about his feelings or push him away and concentrate on my main relationship. After much agonizing, I decided to stay in the relationship and got married 10 years ago. I LOVE my husband and we have a wonderful little boy. My husband is compassionate and caring and wonderful and the sex is great. The problem is, after nearly 12 years, I still have never fallen “out of love” with his bf. I have to see him all the time and we always have fun, but we never spend time alone together. After all these years, he has never dated anyone else. I am always agonizing over whether or not I made the right decision. I am sure I did, since the bf has quite a bad drinking problem and works out of town a lot, but I wish I would get over him already! If I do not get to see him or spend time with him, I suffer from an actual physical ache. We click so well and I love being with him. My husband has some inkling of my feelings but trusts me and knows I will not cheat. I am so frustrated at times.
hi!rite now im inlove wit two guys,well the first guys is richard.t. i wen out wit him during mah 11 grade he wuz a sweet guy wit great impression nd wen i left American Samoa wea i used to lived ihe neva came wit meeh nd wen i arrived in hawaii i didnt really enjoyed anydang cuz i wuz really into him i didnt really eat or talked to mah family dat much cuz in mah mine nd mah heart was taken by richard.t. for like a month since ive been living mah life hea in hawaii i heard richard.t. cheated on meeh while i wuz in hwaii only him dat wuz on mah mine wow dat problem gave meeh more worst attitude of mah own…….well he called meeh nd apologize nd i accepted wit anger so i wen out nd play around wit sum few guys juz to pay him bacc even though i accept his apology.So life goes on i started talkin to dis guy from alaska,his a gud guy i can tell by da way he talked 2 meeh his name is MATT so mah choice rite now is to pick one guy to love forever nd enjoyed having him in mah lyphe.I wish i neva cheated but 2 stick wit one guy…………………i hope GOD will choose da right guy for meeh.
EI’m totally confused because both men Are great in their own unique way. I am in love with 1 For 15 years but have fallen in love with another man in 3 months. Problem or maybe it’s a good thing is that he’s marrried so he doesn’t seem to be a threat. The dillema is I don’t want to leave either one I love them both but emotionally its killing me and I feel confused. Do I continue living like this, how realistic it this?
I met Brett in the sixth grade, and he has been my best friend ever since. We dated all through middle school and freshman year, but the timing was never right and we decided that it would be best to end our relationship and just be friends. We both moved on and dated other people, but continued to remain close; he was like my brother. My junior year in high school, I met the man who is now my husband. It was love from the start, and I am still crazy about him. He makes me laugh and I love him deeply, but I can no longer deny my feelings for Brett. After all these years, he still holds a part of my heart that I know I will never get back. I love and care for him more than I want to admit. I miss him when I’m gone, and I wonder what could have been. He doesn’t know that I’m still in love with him; I’ve never told him. But when I look in his eyes, I can see that he feels the same. Sometimes I just want to hug him and hold him and tell him that I will always love him, but I know it would only make it harder for us both because we know it was never meant to be. It is beautiful and heartbreaking all at once to have two wonderful men worth loving. I do love them both, but I chose the one I couldn’t live without, my sweet husband, and I will never regret that decision. I will forever remain faithful to him, but I will never forget my best friend, Brett. It turns out it really is impossible to be “just friends.”
Loving 2 men at the same time it’s not good,have one partner and u wil enjoy it.
I have been married for 11 years but i have like someone else for about 8 years but i found out that he felt the same way we never said anything to eachother until recently the problem is we are both married and our spouses are sort of alike, my husband is 11 years older and ED and put forth no effort to correct his problem, the other man is crazy about me and i am crazy about him, we laugh, and have so much fun when we are together it is heart breaking for the both of us when we have to part from one another then when we are apart we are constantly texting one another he tells me constantly that he loves me and adores me. the thing is sexually we are an awsome pair he enjoy it and so do I. do i just continue to keep him a secret or what.
Have you two talked about the possibility of divorcing your spouses? It certainly goes without saying you need to keep your relationship secret unless you two are ready for divorce. I personally think you need to end your marriage. Divorce can be a good thing!
Well I just felt I had to give you the view point of a man who is trapped on the third point of this triangle, the woman I love (and also loves me) has been living with her boyfriend for 6 years now, I do not have a physical relationship with her but every evening (except one) we talk on a social networking site, view eachother on web cam, sms messages and emails to eachother all day when she is at work and constantly tell eachother how much we mean to eachother (her boyfriends job mean she only sees him about 3 hours everyday).
She tell me that she loves me (and I truly believe that) but however she says she is determined to marry her boyfriend and have his children, this as you can imagine is painful for me but I don’t want to lose her so I have to accept it because I love her and she does not want to lose me either. From my own point of view I am trapped because I don’t honestly feel I could ever find someone that will ever match up to her. Her boyfriend recently discovered what has been going on but he has forgiven and now thinks (though he has his doubts I am sure) that we no longer communicate. This added pressure on her is unhealthy (she has been through long periods of illness due to stress) but I can’t let go, I know I should but I could never hurt her by abandoning her.
So there it is, the third man is normally in a hell of his own not know if things will ever work out for him and the woman he loves. So a choice has to be made but that choice is never easy.
My ex husband & I married 13 years ago. He struggled with addictive problems (sex, alcohol, gambling, even video games) & would cycle through different addictions. 8 years in he confessed infidelity & we separated for 6 months. I thought he’d changed “enough” & we got back together. We had a kid & history. Who wants to let go if the don’t have to? 2 years ago I went back to college. In the middle of my busiest semester he announced there was “this girl” who made him feel real good about himself. Not the 1st time he dumped on me when I was a low (funerals, health & financial concerns). Shortly thereafter we decided to divorce & I soon re-kindled a friendship & then love affair with a man I knew in high school. He gave me all the things ex hubby didn’t – support, shared goals, hobbies, values. But then ex-hubby found God, quit drinking & turned his life around. Today he is an amazing testimony to how God’s love can change you. I decided to take him back. So we dated again. Problem is, bf was my kindred spirit. A deep soul connection. Satisfying sex & love. I think of him constantly & know he still loves me & would take me back. I’ve told them both I need space from both to get my priorities together. I can’t seem to let go of either. The love for them both is so different that I can’t compare or say one is “better” than the other. I’m having a major bout of depression now as a result & will begin seeing a counselor in a few weeks to help me sort it out. Good luck to all of us who lead lives with torn hearts.
I feel I have to share my story becuase I can relate to the women who have written here. I have been married for over 20 years and my husband’s waining interest in sex combined with my weight loss and flirtatious ways lead me to a string of infidelities. I was guilty enough about that but then met a man about three years ago that I have fallen in love with. My boyfriend knows I’m married but my husband (although he suspects) does not know that I have ever been unfaithful. He also does not ask too many questions about where I have been or look too hard for evidence of cheating.
We get along, I enjoy his company, and we are good parents to our children. I can’t imagine hurting him with the news that I have been physically and emotionally betraying him for so long. It would hurt everyone to tear apart our home and I could never do that to my children. But, I have emotional and physical needs that are being met with my boyfriend who fills the gap that emerged in my married life over the years. They both tell me they love me every day. I love them too. I don’t think anyone is fully happy with this arrangement but I know that if it changed someone would get crushed. I also don’t know how it will end…time will tell.
I’ve been married for 18 years. My husband cheated on me and I looked for comfort in a friend 17 years older than me. I didn’t think we would fall in love but it happened. My husband wants to try to work things out but it’s hard to forget. I have him tell he loves me and my friend tells me the same. I’m confused cuz I love them both. I feel I love my husband different now though. What to do? I don’t know.
I am facing much the same issue, only I mostly do not love the person I am with. I love him and we have children but I am not in love with him. Its like being married to a friend. I do not want to hurt him. Recently my first love. The love of my life, the person i always imagined was my soul mate. has returned. i found him and found he was in a similar situation. Its been 18 years and we still think of each other and want to be together. We both are committed to our current situations but feel like our chance passed us by. I have never cheated. But i find i understand the urge that people have now to do so. I want to leave. But i look at my kids and feel that nothing in this world is worth making them cry. How can i be fair to myself of my first love when my whole being revolves around my children. I have a lot of resentment towards my husband for a lot of things including cheating. I thought i had dealt with it. And to a degree i guess i had but i think i bottled it up, and before i found my first love, my husband changed drastically after a heart attack he is honestly mean. He makes me cry all the time, but does not realize he is even doing it. I am so unhappy but also afraid to start over. Being with my first love would mean leaving everything behind. I love him, I want him and i want a life with him but fear stops me. each day i grow sadder.
I like this site very much so much wonderful info .
The main thing I think people should know is, this is not a planned event.
I’m inlove with two men and one has decided he no longer wants me in his life. It’s been a hideous situation. I feel so broken but then I feel I don’t have the right to be so hurt, I can’t sleep and it’s because I tried to get out of a relationship with a character like Jack Sparrow but the tie is so strong, even though he’s no good for me, he is a total womaniser. BUT I am too soft with him. I just can’t break the tie. Will, is an amazing man but he’s had enough of it all and ended it. I am now so confused and full of regret, but I can’t do anything about it. He refuses to see or speak to me and warned me previously, if I fell back with Jack he’d be gone. He’s true to his word, but I am left just feeling like I have lost a part of my soul and a best friend.
Loving two men hurts, and like someone said up there one get’s hurt – but you become the biggest loser in the situation.
I have a guy friend who I care about but he loves me. I have a boyfriend who I love very much and he loves me back. I am committed to my boyfriend. My guy friend just started dating this other girl. He doesnt rly like her but he just agreed to date her (she askd him) because he can’t be with me. She just wants to use him and I feel really bad because he’s only with her because he cant b with me. I feel like it’s my fault. I care about him enough that I don’t want him in tht relationship but I love my boyfriend so much tht I wouldnt leave him for this.
Well I’ve been maried for 21 years To B. And my first love whom I lived with for two yrs right out of high school we’ll call him D. Contacts me on facebook. To apologize to me for hurting me and to tell me he was dieing. I forgave him and asked what he wanted from me. He said only friendship I said it would be dificult to do becuse i would get emotionally involed to to his illness. So as I grew to have compation and empathy for D, B got jellous and treated me badly so badly he cheated. now bear in mind D live in NY and I live in CA. I grew to love D and I long for his embrase. All my friends and my theripist tell me I’m nuts to stay in an abusive realationship with my husband. But i love him too.
I dont know what to do.
Well, here’s a situation I have never been in. I have found a man who I feel is my soul mate, and he’s my second marriage. My first marriage, I was never shown any affection or love, and in order to get that I had to initiate sex, but that was turned down 95% of the time. This 2nd marriage is wonderful. He gives me all the attention I want and need, and loves me immensly. I am his first girl ever!!! He was 37 when we met and never had a girlfriend before that. He is awesome!!! But just the other week, a boyfriend from high school has contacted me and before I knew it, I went to see him for the weekend. His girlfriend does not give him the affection and love that he craves, and he loved that I came and gave him this affection. If I leave my husband, he will literally kill himself!!! He has attempted this before because of being lonely for so many years. Now that he has me, he’s happy and trusts me. I don’t deserve husband as I have been unfaithful to him. He has chronic depression, and sometimes he gets agited for no reason, not at me. but life in general. When he does, I just want to get away!!! Well, that’s what I did and now my heart is torn as they BOTH need me. What do I do????????????
hi everyone PLEASE HELP,
i’ve recently got back with my daughter’s father that i once shared 6 1\2 passionate years of my life wit. i love him dearly thats why were back 2gether tryn 2 make our realationship work for our little girl. the catch is that before we got back 2gether i waz in a short realationship with whom i fell head over heals for. he appealed to my sensitive, intellectual, & he unrelentlessly loves me and so on…it ended shortly because we are both supa young (18) & he wasn’t sure if he was ready to play the part of a father figure for my daughter even though she was already calln him daddy(at this point i had cut her real dad out of the picture…REALLY Bad Idea). & i excpted that even though i was ENRAGE by his decison! my feelings for him never really changed i jst chose to ignore them and cover them up with hate i had even felt as if i had been playd even though i never waz. He kept it a hundred with me so i really had no reason 2 b mad at him but like i said i chose otherwise.
So fast foward 2 da present im in the realationship with my daughters dad & even though ive tryd 2 make it work im still not completely happy. i find my self happy only when it comes to him & my daughter (if dat makes sense 2 u).the sad part is not 1 day hasn’t gone by that i dnt think about my X. out of no where he text me wishing me a happy mothers day & ALL thoes feeling i had supressd for him came rushing back as if we never broke up!
Im stuck between a rock & a hard place and I kNow i have 2 choose between the 2. if i go for happiness i know it will break my daughters dad’s heart again because ive done it b4, bt if i stay with him ill b unhappy & living a lie….what shall I DO????
Ok here goes…Right after I separated from my first husband 14 years ago, I met a man that was suppose to be a one night stand (we will call him Charleston). Well it became much more. Unfortunately he was married and we saw eachother for about 6 months. He decided that he needed to work things out with his wife, so we broke up. After a few months later, I began dating who is now my husband. Right before we got married after 2 years of dating I heard from Charleston and he was divorcing his wife. I stuggled with that wondering if I should give us another chance, but I did not want to break my fiance’s heart. So, I went through with the wedding. My husband is wonderful and is so good to my children from my previous marriage. I could not ask for a better husband. My problem is that I am still so very much in love with Charleston. I have always felt that he was my soul mate…I know that sound cliche, but we just click.
Charleston and I have remained friends over the years and I have be a source of a counselor for him as he has since remarried twice. His current wife and he do not get along. He just keeps telling me that he tries to find me. We went for 12 years without seeing eachother, and the we decided to meet again. When I saw him, it was like time had stood still. I love him now more than anyone in this world (other than my kids). My husband has no idea, but I know that I have been distant. Charleston and Iive 4 hours from eachother, but have made arrangements to see eachother over the last 2 1/2 years. Whenever we are together, it just as if we have never been apart. Sex with him is just as wonderful as it was 14 years ago. I know I will never leave my husband I could not bear to break his heart and the hearts of my children for my selfish needs. But why can’t I get over this man. I think of him every minute of every day. I feel like this is some sort of sick joke. I know that we will not be able to see eachother for quite sometime because he is moving really far away. But those feelings will not go away just because he does. We have tried that before. I know if I something happen between me and my husband, he would definitely live his wife. Why does it have to be this way…..I hurt so BAD!!!!!!
I read all these things and I wanted to share my situation with all of you and have an opionion from you about it. I live in a country where girls get fianced at early age like 15,16 sometimes by their choice and sometimes they are forced to get fianced with someone they don’t know by their family. When I was 16-17 my best friend presented me with one of his friends. In the beginning I didn’t care about him but anyway I give him a chance. We started talking by phone and sometimes go out together. I started to like him and after 2 months relationship we went to bed. It was my first time and I felt strange because it was not as I imagined that situation. But anyway I accepted the fact and we had a relationship like all other people. When one day my mother found it out that I have a relationship with someone and started pressuring me to give up or get fianced. At the time I thought the engagement would be the best thing because I was ” in love” with him. My dad begged me not to do that because I was young but as always I did it my way and I got engaged with him. My dad accepted the fact and everything was going well.After 2 years when I finished high school I went in another city to university and we started not seeing each other so much and things started to change. Also he with the passing of the time changed. He was not anymore the sweet and dedicated guy I meet. Also I want to add that we have an age difference of 8 years (maybe this is not a problem but I wanted to add these detail). Anyway now I’m about 20 and I realized that I made a big mistake being engaged with him. I realised that he never loved me in the beggining but he started loving me with the passing of the time and also for his family I was the rich girl wich would ensure their boy for everything.My family was economically better than his family and now after 3 years I realised that these was one of the main reasons he meet me and I feel horrible about these.
Everything was going well until the day he started not respecting me and offending me. At that moment I realized that everything I did for him was wrong… At the same time I meet an old friend. We were grown together and when we were teens we fall in love with each-other but that was a long time ago and he left to another city and had his life by then but we never lost contact. With the passing of the time I got engaged and stop thinking of him like the love of my life until I got a message from him where he had written about his feelings,that even he was far away from me he was still in love with me and that he made the biggest mistake that he left and lost me. These message made me understand a lot of things so I took the plane and went to see him. To my parents and fiance I said I was going with my best friend to her family and my aunt. We meet and for the first time in my life I felt so good being with him. By the other side I felt guilty that I lied everybody but I needed to see him and clear up my and his feelings. We went for a coffee and started talking about our lives. I opened my heart to him about my problems and he did the same. I feel great when I’m with him. I can talk about everything without fear what he might think ( That’s the difference between him and my fiance with whom I fear to express freely and these is one of the biggest problems for me). After the coffee we went for a walk and sit down in a park. He began to express his feelings and I strangely felt good and when he kissed me I kissed him back. The next day I left but I can’t stop thinking of him. When I was back I started seeing my fiance with another eye and realised that I was in a love triangle. By one side was my fiance who started doing everything when I told him that if he wont change he will lose me by the other side is my old love who is coming to see me next week and is ready to do everything to have me by his side.
I don’t know what to do…
I feel terrible because when I told my parents that maybe my relationship with my fiance may end they took it really bad and felt hurt by me. I don’t want to hurt them but I also feel the need to be free and make my own decissions. I don’t know if I should stay with my fiance and not hurt my family and him. But these way I would lose my old love with who I feel really good and who loves me as I am!!!
I’m glad that this problem is more common than I initially thought. I’m nearly twenty years old, and I’ve been in love with the same guy since I was fourteen. We’re in a relationship, but we live on opposite sides of the state, and we only see each other about once a month. He’s sweet, and smart, and funny, and loving, and we have everything in common. I can absolutely see myself spending my life happly with him.
But about four months ago, I started hanging out with this guy who has all of my boyfriend’s qualities and then some. He’s an amazing, beautiful man and over the course of a very short while I was shocked to discover that I have fallen in love with him. I didn’t even really know until last night.
He lives a mile up the road from me, and we’ll be going to the same college. I see him all the time, and the more I’m with him, the less I think about my boyfriend during that time.
I suppose my initial attraction to him was how similar he is to my boyfriend, but since I’ve gotten to know him, he’s also so very much more than that. I love them both, and I don’t know what to do. I know that my boyfriend loves me, but I also know that my friend cares just as much. He’s trying to do the right thing and give me some space to figure this out, but the right thing and the RIGHT thing aren’t always the same thing.
No matter what I tell myself, my heart is saying something different.
OMG!! To the one who made the first comment on here…..It’s almost like you are watching my life unfold!!! I live with my ex because of finacial reasons right now and we own a house together….He is my wild side, unpredictiable, unappreciated, almost uncaring other half who, like you said puts himself and MUSIC before anyone else…Just before he moved back in with me I met a guy who is my perfect match! Loves me, dotes on me, would do anything for me and most importantly shows me respect!! My family hates my ex especially for his cheating and selfishness. They have not met my new guy because they are away for the summer. My heart tells me to be with #2, but I feel llike my ex is my “life boat”, like I could fall back on him. It’s not fair to #2 who has no idea I live with my ex. If he found out, of course I know he would be gone…Like you I know my ex will NEVER change nor will he ever treat me like he did the woman he was cheating on me with. I also understand a house is just a house but I need to pay down bills and get my credit back from the divorce. But in the mean time sex with my ex is so incrediable and sex with my new guy is not so good…sex is not everything, so this is a no brainer right…….
I had my head and heart together at one point and now they are so far apart…if I could just take that leap and leave my ex where he belongs…
Oh my Gosh! I thought that I was the only one in this situation! Yes, I love two men at the same time and can not figure out which one that I want to be with. I have been dating my sons father for 14 years. He is a very sensible, dependable guy. One who I feel stable with. The sex with him is boring but ok. I met guy #2 on my job! I believe that he is my soulmate. Of course he is a bad boy, womanizer and has 6 kids by three different woman. When I am with my baby’s daddy, my life is a total bore. We sit around spending hours not even having conversations. I care about him because he is there when I need him. But when I am with guy #2 it is like fire works on the 4th of July, very passionate, we talk for hours, the sex is out of this world. We have a lot of friends around when we are together but like I said he is a womanizer. I don’t know if I am in love with #2 because of the sex, no I enjoy being with him. Am I crazy or what? I can’t decide between the two of them and is afraid of making the wrong choice. Am I destined to be bored and stable or to have fireworks and unstable? Who can help me?
kjc says:
09/09/2008 at 12:23
I am in this very predicament (loving two men) and I struggle everyday with making a decision. I left my husband (we’ll call him B), whom I was with for nearly 13 years to live with someone else (we’ll call him G) about 6 months ago. G is so sweet, loving, caring, gracious, etc…he’s all about “me” (not himself, but me); B is all about “me,” too (that is…himself “me”). G has my coffee ready in the morning when I get up, lunch ready when I come from work, house is cleaned, dishes done, garbage out, etc….Not to mention, G is the best in bed that I’ve ever been with! I haven’t been disappointed, not even once!
So what’s the problem you ask? B and I have been through a lot together in 13 years and I find it very difficult to throw all that away; we’ve traveled and journeyed and overcome challenges together; we’ve hung tight through thick and thin, beat off the beasts (egos) together, etc…and we are connected “spiritually.” We understand each other like no one else does. We finish each others sentences; we share ideas, morals, truths and know when to give each other space. We are both artists, so we create many things together; we support each other in our adventures, and welcome change. We’re just not very good together in the bedroom, nor do we spend enough time together—we tend to do “our own thing” more. We even ended up sleeping in different beds the last year or so.
G knows that I still have a desire to try and make it work with B, but I told him I will not cross that line as long as I am with him. B also knows I will not leave G if B doesn’t get his life together (he’s battling alcoholism). So I stay where I am, love the one I am with (G), but I keep the hope alive that B will someday get his sh__ together again and that we’ll get another chance.
The problem is, they both want me to make a decision now, and that is where I fall short! They are both beautiful people in their own right and both have just as many beautiful qualities…they just happen to be qualities in different areas. I’m afraid if I don’t give my marriage another chance (believe me, it’s not the first chance by any means) I will regret it for a long time, maybe always. But, if I do give it another chance and it doesn’t exist anymore for us (me and B), then I will have lost the best thing that’s happened to me (G).
Either way, someone gets hurt and this saddens my heart immensely! In the meantime, I pray to be shown the way.
kjc
I would like to know what happened? Who did you decide, if you decided.
Anyone please comment on this one
I struggle with this issue every day. My first true love and I parted ways 20+ years ago after a fabulous, loving, passionate romance of nearly 5 years. Our parting was painful for both of us but we were heading in different directions. He took a job – his calling, truly – that has him out of the country all but 10-12 weeks each year. Having a family and children was my priority and didn’t work with his lifestyle. Two years later I met and married my current husband of 18 years.
My current husband is a good guy but he is very self-centered and a bit lazy. He also sucks in bed no matter how much direction I try to give (right there baby, don’t stop and then he stops. ugh.) he has yet to be able to give me an orgasm in all these years. It comes down to his pleasure which does not help lessen my attraction to my first because he got me there each and every time. Repeatedly.
Although my first and I kept in touch with an occasional phone call, email (and as technology progressed)IM and text )along with the yearly bday or xmas card, we fully expected that our love for each other would diminish and – at most – settle into a fond friendship. We have both been surprised that our love has deepened and broadened over the years. We have only seen each other a handful of times, until recently, but each time its like stepping back in time and we find our attraction is stronger than ever. We are not having a sexual relationship, although that is only through enormous strength of will on both of our parts.
We joke that when my kids are up and out, we will have the option to be together although an “oops” baby with my husband just reset that clock. Maybe when we are 85 we will be that couple on the “Today Show” that finally reuinites and gets married LOL!
The point is that it is ABSOLUTELY possible to love two different men at the same time. Why would we think otherwise when it is possible to love numerous children at the same time, or many dear friends at once? Why would a man (or men) be different?
Well, I sometimes wonder if I am going crazy. Why can’t I make a decision, which guy to pursue?
I was in a band, but wasn’t happy there. One day I went swimming and happened to be in the lane next to a guy that worked in another department (for the same organisation) across town. We discussed the Gig that both of our bands’ would be playing at the next day in a casual way and went back for our swim. Well I gues there was a fair bit of the ol’ hormones racing when I was talking to him-but I put it aside because I assumed he was married. The next day we met at the gig and had a brief chat – and from his comments I started to wonder if he was indeed married. Waking up drunk on a floor of a friend’s place is not something that is usual for married guys (well in my world anyway). I had forgotten about it until I decided on new year to try and join his band – we exchanged a few emails and I was attending the band – and felt as though I had come home. The problem was that as I was getting to know him (and like him) and found out he was effectively single (but was definitely a ‘player’ with women). We had a lot in common – work, music and the same intellectual pursuits and could talk for ages. But I started to also be attracted to one of the other guys, a friend of his, that plays the same instrument as him. In contrast the second guy was not as intellectually stimulating (no slouch though) but emotionally we connected deeply and he was very sweet, and sincere. I stayed at his place when my leg became infected and need extra support.
So fast forward to a situation that they individually tell me I am PLATONIC friends (with both), but will bag each other out to me, try and have a conversation with me at the same time as each other, and say that they love spending time with me. They BOTH came to pick me up from the hospital and drop me back when I had leave to go to band -that was a classic!
Player and I went out to see other bands on a casual basis previously and travelled together – sleeping in the same bed but nothing happened. The ‘player’ has now dropped down his female aquaintences to one (who is married), cuts off his friend from asking about his conquests when in front of me and now attends the band I was originally in and I am still playing with (we travel to most gigs together now).
The friend – well we had quite an intimate experince just caressing each other’s hands when away on a band trip that ‘player’ saw – and said to my friend “I did not need to see that”. ‘Friend’ and I semi-regularly catch up outside of band and have drinks at his house until the wee small hours and just talk. Recently the friend admitted that he was lusting after someother woman, but apart from her not being interested, he was confused and wanted a deeper love and looked at me – before saying that he loved being friends with me… Huh?
I am pretty sure that there is not a physical attraction from either because I am a ‘fat chick’. But even so, I am losing weight and can see the rivalry pick up – but I don’t know whether I am imagining things or who to go with if I am not. Just really confused…
ECE I wish I could talk to you or hear more becuase your sistuation sounds so finilliar to mine here’s my sistuation:
I have been with my husband for 8 years now we have two children together under the age of 7 and in the past before the marriage he was unfaithful didn’t care about me treated me like a door mat and like two of the comments I read MUSIC COMES FIRST ALWAYS which I can’t stand well 2 years ago we got married in my mind was for the kids and our shot to really make things work we had our whole families fly out to Vegas did a pretty big wedding for a Vegas wedding well the night we were supposed to have our bachelor/bachelorette parties I got really sick (alcohol posioning) I was puking every 5 mintues could walk begging to be taken to the hospital I begged him to do the party the next night (since is was still 2 days before the wedding) and to stay with me and take care of me he told me NO this is my night before were married your sister can come stay with you……that killed me on top of all the past things he had done over 6 years it was like WHY AM I MARRING HIM well I did and I have tried so hard he at this point is treating me great but I can’t get over things and the bedroom life for him great for me SUCKS!!!!! I went out with an old friend an this guy comes to hang out we end up talking and realizing we have a lot in common he just went through a divorce and just had a really bad relationship with her I got to the point where I was addicted to him didn’t act on sexual act just talked everyday I had to talk to him every alone moment I got I was calling him or texting him well I finally built up the courage to leave my husband for a seperation and I was doing great really happy with the new guy he treats me a 180 from what I was used to and to top it off is the best in the bedroom I have ever had but my husband started dating and I couldn’t allow that something inside me died and I missed him dearly and begged him to come back well when he did I was doing ok not talking to the new guy and cofusing on my marriage for him and my kids well I busted my husband talking on the internet with some girl inviting her to my house while I was gone so I ran right back the the new guy and told my husband to leave ( to me it was my easy out to end things) and this time things weren’t that great becuase I was so confused but I kept moving forward with the new guy and then again my husband starts seeing someone and I miss him and cry and cry and cry so i do the same thing again now I am being the horrible person that I am and seeing both of them behind each others back I so badly want ONE guy and I dont know who to pick my husband is the person I am so attached to becuase of all the things we have shared like the first lady said we have jounered together finish each other sentences everything but in the bedroom isn’t good still and at times I am forcing my self to kiss him but with the new guy I can’t get enough we have sex every where I am so attracted to him and want him all the time I dont know what to do if I dont decide soon I am going to loose the new guy or both I need help I feel like I am a very horrible person but I can’t control this jealousy or feeling or even sort them out to know what is right my husband is JACK and my new guy is totally WILL what advice can you give me or what desicions did you guys make?????
Hey there,
I just dnt know what to do anymore!!!!
ok so I get I dnt have to look to the future since I am only a teen but I got 2 boys who I like…and I cnt seem to choose between the two!! One of thm is my bf, the other is one of his mates in a way! So yea, me and my bf got nothing in common but he is so sweet and sensitive, I thnk I wanna break up but thn I talk with him and I just can’t bring myself to do it! He got no female part in his family so I kinda get protective, and we really opend up to each other! Thn there is the other dude, and everybody says we got way more in common!! And well were both crazy and stuff and got way more in common, and he isn’t as deep as my boyfriend which I way more prefer!!! So I just cnt decide…I dnt wanna break up with my bf, am not even sure if I would wanna go out with him I’m so nervous
My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We have 2 beautiful children, under the age of 5. We are in love, we are happy. He is an amazing man and I couldn’t ask for a better husband. We both come from broken homes and vowed whole heartedly that it would not happen to us. A couple of months ago I started getting close with one of my husbands friends. Nothing innapropriate. I would help him with a problem he was having and vise versa. It got to a point where when he wasn’t around I missed him. I wanted to see him. If he was sad, I was sad, If he was at our house I couldn’t stop smiling. One night, he and my husband went for a ride to pick something up at the store. When they returned I noticed something off about both of them. That evening I asked my husband what had happened. He explained to me that his friend has told him that he was in love with me. I was shocked! My mouth dropped. We went to bed that night and I could not stop thinking about the news. I found myself being relieved and happy. I became confused but eventually realized that I too was in love with him. I started doing research about being in love with 2 men at the same time. I’ve read some pretty close minded opinions on the topic but I also came across some very helpful comments too. One of my favorites is “Saying you can only love one is like saying you can only love one child.” I think that society has taught us that this is wrong. I have been very honest with my husband and our friend thoughout the whole thing. Honesty is the key. It has been a couple of weeks but so far so good. We, as a couple, have decided to explore a polyamorous relationship. Both of my guys have agreed. It hasn’t been totally easy as society has taught us how wrong this is but it works for us. We are open and honest with each other. Both of my partners are monogamous with only me. I feel complete! My husband is the calm, understanding, caring love of my life and my friend
is my wild, pasionate, intense love of my life. I have the best of both worlds. Good luck to you, do what is best for you and above all else never jeopardize your integrity!
I am completly shocked at the number of stories on here!! Some almost identical as my owen. Up untill I started to read the stories I felt like a freek being in love with two men. What do you do??? Its pure hell and misary when you are not able to be with both! My wild side man was ok with it at first And now is not a year later ….my husband is very against it and wants to harm my wild one. Im consumed by this mess that I got myself into. I havent a clue how to keep them both and myself happy.
I am not sure if anyone else will share my story of being in love wth two men. I’ve never been able to speak about it to anyone and its kiling me! I fell in love with my now husband (A) at 16. We were on and off in high school. During that period of time I used to travel away in the summers where I met another guy (B) that I fell in love with at that same time. The relationship between B and I never really developed due to the distance I suppose. Ofcourse A and I got married after college. I love my husband (A) deeply. I feel as though he is the love of my life. He truly cares for me and I can’t picture my life without him. My problem comes in where I have never stopped thinking about (B). He has never stopped pursuing me and trying to speak to me, eventhough we have not seen each other in almost 10 years. After much battle on his end, I finally agreed to have a friendship via social networking but it was turned We have been in contact through social networking over the last few years and it has turned into an emotional affair with desires of seeing each other in person again. I feel like I do love him and I’m soooo lost…. I don’t want to leave my husband, but I wish I could spend time with (B)… Siiiiiiiiiigh…
I understand all of the people that wrote here, because i’m in the same situation , but i don’t know ..does anyone can help us , i can’t make this decision ..i cant just pick one , it’s to hard ..and i did it , but then i went to the other one , and i just felt like a bad person , i don’t know what to do but i really feel like this is to hard , to big decision for me … and I feel disappointed because I can not make a choice… , and i really hope than someone help us ..
Dany should apreciate what have, becaurse untill you apreciate a thing you can not know it value and choose a thing without knowing how it value to you. Becaurse choice base on value, what you much is what you choose.
You can know a value of thing when you have spirit of perception, value thing does not lies on outside appearance it is rather inside