Decision Time, Relationships At Risk
Loving Two Men At The Same Time
by Cindy English · 18 Comments
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Have you ever found yourself in this situation? This is not uncommon. Many women have at some point in their lives asked themselves: "Is possible to love_two_men at the same time?"
Now before you go off on a self-righteous, "no, you are dishonest and selfish" tantrum, think about it!
What is the absolute definition of love? Is there one?
The dictionary says this:
love (lùv) n
1.a. An intense affection for another person based on familial or personal ties. b. A strong affection for or attachment to another person based on regard or shared experiences or interests. 2. An expression of one's affection. 3.a. An intense attraction to another person based largely on sexual desire. b. The deep affection and tenderness, and concern felt for a person with whom one has or wishes to have a relationship based on sexual attraction. 4.a. Intense sexual passion. b. Sexual intercourse. c. A love affair. 5. An intense emotional attachment.
That's a lot of different interpretations of love – some sexual, some emotional! Based on those definitions, I believe it is possible to love two men at the same time, but for very different reasons.
One may be dependable and sensitive, appealing to your need for comfort and stability while the other may be adventurous and passionate, appealing to your hidden desire for spontaneity and romance – your "wild side". We all have one whether we admit it or not.
The trouble with our "wild side" is that we as women have been conditioned through the years to believe that this part of us is unruly, unacceptable and even slutty.
Society, encourages and even romanticizes the "torn between two men" scenario. Pirates Of The Caribbean would be one of the most recent examples.
Elizabeth is caught in just such a predicament. She is struggling with her love for the dependable and reliable Will Turner and the undeniable chemistry between her and the charming but reckless Captain Jack Sparrow.
Is she a slut? Of course not! She is truly caught in an unintentional but powerful love triangle.
Who will she choose? How will she choose? That is a tough one!
- The death of either character, though painful would alleviate her dilemma.
Not a desirable solution. - Unable to decide, she may choose neither and hope to find all of their combined qualities in one man.
Not likely to happen. - She may remove herself from the situation for an extended period of time to clear her head and try to make a rational decision.
To me, this would be the best option.
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Will Turner would quite obviously be Elizabeth's best choice for a life partner. He is sensitive, compassionate, reliable and loves her deeply. She must realize that Captain Jack Sparrow will not change. Although his passion and unpredictability appeal to her now, as she grows older, she will yearn for sensitivity and stability that Jack will never be able to provide. He is emotionally immature. With time, the very qualities that she now loves, she would come to resent.
One thing is certain. Just as society romanticizes Elizabeth's predicament, so too, does it demand that she make a choice. She does have to choose between Will and Jack just as any woman who finds herself in this situation will. No one can help you with that decision but society does demand that you make it.
Through our own self imposed restrictions, with the exception of a few cultures that practice polygamy, it is just not seen as acceptable to "love" two men at once.
Related Posts:
In Love With Two Men At Once – POTC
Beautiful Enslavement
I totally relate to this
I fell back into the charms of my former husband as I got to spend some good time with him ! The fisrt time IO had met him it was love at first sight pure passion, I fzelt he was a soulmate ! He is the artist and wild part of myself, ! But then at the same moment just after having fallen again (after 6 years of separation for my e) IO fall in love with another man, very exciting also fun, and so much more close to me, reassuring, showing and displaying love to me, ready to share everything with me, available…in a way my ex never has been and never will be. My ex is unpredictable, deceptive, I am never quite sure of what's on his mind! He is rather selfish and thinks of his interest first, his friends his playing music always comes first! I am always frustrated with him and my new love is the exact opposite! I can rely on him, he promeses something I can be sure it will be, he does not abandon me, make me wait in vain and so on… shame all this happens at the same time because I cant give my ex a second chance without losing my new love. But if I prove to be mistaken on this new love it is also a big shame
Hi cec,
You know what? It has taken 13 years for my ex, who was much as you describe yours, to apologize for the mess he made (he cheated). I never remarried, he did. Now, he is going through a divorce. A part of me still loves him and finds him very exciting but…he has not changed. I can tell, just by talking to him. I wonder IF he would have apologized had his 2nd marriage not failed. Sometimes I think that we tend to "romanticize" our first love. Years pass and the anger fades. We tend to "overlook" the bad stuff. I think that if I was face to face with my ex, (we are 2000 miles apart and speak only by phone) I might feel his "pull". A fling for old times sake might be fun, but then, I am not currently involved with anyone else so I have nothing to lose and no harm would be done. However, if I were in your shoes, I would AVOID him like the plague! You have already been down that road…what was, WILL be again. What failed before will likely fail again.
You sound like you have a wonderful partner now and you know that. I hope you go for what is truly good and will last, not the "heat of the moment" because it will pass! But…whatever you decide, I wish you good luck!
I am in this very predicament (loving two men) and I struggle everyday with making a decision. I left my husband (we'll call him B), whom I was with for nearly 13 years to live with someone else (we'll call him G) about 6 months ago. G is so sweet, loving, caring, gracious, etc…he's all about "me" (not himself, but me); B is all about "me," too (that is…himself "me"). G has my coffee ready in the morning when I get up, lunch ready when I come from work, house is cleaned, dishes done, garbage out, etc….Not to mention, G is the best in bed that I've ever been with! I haven't been disappointed, not even once!
So what's the problem you ask? B and I have been through a lot together in 13 years and I find it very difficult to throw all that away; we've traveled and journeyed and overcome challenges together; we've hung tight through thick and thin, beat off the beasts (egos) together, etc…and we are connected "spiritually." We understand each other like no one else does. We finish each others sentences; we share ideas, morals, truths and know when to give each other space. We are both artists, so we create many things together; we support each other in our adventures, and welcome change. We're just not very good together in the bedroom, nor do we spend enough time together—we tend to do "our own thing" more. We even ended up sleeping in different beds the last year or so.
G knows that I still have a desire to try and make it work with B, but I told him I will not cross that line as long as I am with him. B also knows I will not leave G if B doesn't get his life together (he's battling alcoholism). So I stay where I am, love the one I am with (G), but I keep the hope alive that B will someday get his sh__ together again and that we'll get another chance.
The problem is, they both want me to make a decision now, and that is where I fall short! They are both beautiful people in their own right and both have just as many beautiful qualities…they just happen to be qualities in different areas. I'm afraid if I don't give my marriage another chance (believe me, it's not the first chance by any means) I will regret it for a long time, maybe always. But, if I do give it another chance and it doesn't exist anymore for us (me and B), then I will have lost the best thing that's happened to me (G).
Either way, someone gets hurt and this saddens my heart immensely! In the meantime, I pray to be shown the way.
kjc
i think it is more than possible to love 2 ppl at the same time! But it puts one in such a predicament. Coz u have to hurt the one to keep the other happy. Making a choice like that is probably the hardest you'll ever make!!! One day you think the one way and the next day the other. We need to start thinking bout ourselves too for a change ladies. We are too sensitive to everyone else's feelings and leave ours for granted all too often. Follow your hearts!!!
I love my husband. we have two kids under 2 yrs old. I love my ex bf still to. I hurt so bad sometimes. I hurts because i dont want to leave my husband but im not totaly happy without my ex. I have two babys with my husband and dont want to tear them away from there daddy. Ill never know what to do………
Lacey
Try this one then, i have been married for 7 yrs to a great guy, we have had major problems from even before we married from his ex and my own, alot of secrets where kept from me until after i married him, i totally love him but things i found out i would not of married him if i had of new beforehand, since this it has been rocky, he leftonce to go back to his ex without even telling me he just left a letter. we both have done wrong(not cheating) well i have not i just dont know if he has or not as even when he left and went back to his ex he sz it was only for his kids. years later i hav fallen inlov over again with him and i really know deep down if we break it wud killme. But the thing is recently i have met another guy, well not met we just talk and tx alot, we both think we have fallen inlove with each other though he is also married but swears it is over with her that once there financial situation is sorted he plans to leave her, this was even before he spoke to me. The thing is i cant get enough off him., i know its so wrong but theres just something about him im obbsessed with and just want him more and more. we both talk every single day several times and both say we miss each other like mad, he doesnt sleep with her he tells me but how am i realy meant to know that, the problem is i have a very sexual relationship that i love with my husband we are very electrifying together until last night, last night i closed my eyes through makin lov and all i could see and think about was the other guy, i felt guilty like i had cheated on him and i dont know what to do. I have tried stopping contact with this other guy but that doesnt work, i cant help myself i just need him there and i think he is the same about me, we miss each other so much when we arent chatting.. i truely am torn i dont want to hurt either of them and im hurting myself everyday over this, i just cant seem to break free from it, hes on my mind 24/7 and im sure my hubbie thinks theres something wrong but how can i tell him this it would kill him. any ideas?
I have been in love with two men at the same time when I was younger. It's frustrating because of the restrictions that society puts on us but I think it's all very natural.
This sounds just like me !! What did you do??
I'm confused I've been with my ex for 2 years but thought I was falling in love with this boy I met.I've seen him everyday and he just makes me so happy and my ex has hurt me so much I just dnt knw what to do.I dnt wanna hurt neither of them.what do I do!
I have been married for many years to a lovely kind man but years before, when i was at high school I was in love with a gorgous guy. He never knew. My Ma thought he was wonderful and really wanted me to go with him but as an awkward teenager, I wouldn't and anyway he hadn't asked me. We remained friends after my first marriage and then lost touch when he married. I never forgot him and always wondered where he was. My Ma told me he called before i got married to ask if she could do anything about stopping me. She never told me this until 3 years ago. We're back in touch now and very much in love but both married to lovely people who don't deserve any hurt. It's hard as I love them both and couldn't bare to lose either of them out of my life. They both play a vital part in my life. I can't imagine having to choose.
I slept with my husbands (back then bf) 3 years ago, this guy was married at the time. I left them both after that, it was 2 much and I was confused. After 2 years I got back with my ex and got married, I found out they were no longer friendsdont know why. Last year this guy got separated and eventually got a divorce. We started talking and I have feelings for him, I miss him and desire him so much. My marriage is not going very well my husban doesn't give a damn about m and we have financial problems cuz he isn't doing well. I'll I know I'd that I'm confused and font know which direction to take I'm afraid to end up alone.
Try this one on for size. I adored my husband. I was the lucky one. He was fabulous. He was everything any woman could have asked for. After eighteen years of marriage, he had a terrible stroke. Physically, he is fine but emotionally and mentally he has changed. We have three children under the age of 16. I have hung in there for three years. During my struggles to stay afloat, one of his closest friends became my confident. He helped me to hold our lives together. During this time we fell in love. He adores me. Everyday is a struggle with my husband. I miss the person he was so much. I miss the beautiful love that we shared but he has changed. My children recognize this. I feel as if I am a horrible person for loving his friend who has dragged me from emotional disaster. However, the moments I spend with him, are magical. I melt like butter on hot toast just by looking in his eyes. When he kisses me, I become putty in his arms. He has helped me to escape from this tragedy that I live each day. I have tried to give him up so many times because I realize that it is never too late to do what is right, but I miss him so much that my heart aches. I know that the most important thing is my husband and my children but I so miss feeling good for myself. Please tell me that I am not a horrible person.
kay addy:
You are by no means a terrible person. I have personally witnessed the drastic change in a man who has suffered a stroke twice now. First, with my father, then with my uncle. For anyone in doubt, just as you say, they DO change mentally and not just a little bit. Stroke victims seem to come out on the other side a whole different person and if I am honest, not a "nice" person. They can be extremely difficult to deal with and they seem to take their anger and frustration out on the people who care about them the most! I watched as my Mom was hurt repeatedly by this behavior from both her husband and her brother. She took care of both of them until the end as she felt as you do but it was so difficult for her. I often found myself hoping for her "freedom" if you know what I mean.
I admire you for staying with your husband and I truly feel sad for your loss because the husband you knew and loved so much IS lost to you. Do not feel guilty or ashamed for the comfort and love you receive from your friend. You need him to stay sane! Were I in your shoes, I would do the same thing. You are doing the best you can for your husband and children but I do not believe that anyone should have to sacrifice their life completely for another. That may sound selfish but that's just what I believe. Life is too damned short to live it for someone else! Take care of your family but take care of YOU too!
I wish you the best!
My story is very different then any I've read on here but I'm going to tell it anyway… My husband and i have been together for 7 years… about 4 years ago we got in to the swinging lifestyle. We were only into couples. We had been "exclusive" with one couple for about 2 years. In that time we have fallen in love we have so much in common. He is in fact quite the opposite of my husband. The other man is in a committed relationship and we don't want anything to change. I love my husband and I will never leave, the other man loves his wife and will never leave her… this is the way we want it. We get to be intimate with one another when we "play" as couples. Nothing changes. It's not so complicated. No my husband and the other man's wife do not know we have feelings for each other. It may be wrong to hide that but that's the way it's been and has to be. We don't love our spouses any less or do anything without them knowing.
MY STORY RIGHT NOW AS I SPEAK IM IN LOVE WITH MY BABY'S FATHER OF 6 YRS AND RECENTLY FELL FOR ANOTHER GUY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME IDK HONESTLY ITS JUST MY BABY'S FATHER WORKS FROM 9 TO 5 MONDAY THROUGH SATURDAY AND THEN 6 TO 11 OR 12 MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAYSO FROM THE AM TO THE AM I DONT SEE HIM ALL DAY LONG AND WELL ITS FRUSTRATING AND WE ARE BOTH ONLY 21 AND I FIND INTEREST IN A 29 YR OLD HE TELLS ME HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME SHOWS ME HOW MUCH HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME HAS THE BEST ORAL AND LOVE MAKING EVER. HE HOLDS ME AND CARESSES ME AS IF HE NEVER WANTS TO LET ME GO AND ITS BASICALLY EVERYTHING I WOULD WANT IN A MAN AND THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS SITUATION IS THAT MY BABY'S FATHER KNOWS THAT I HAD AN AFFAIR WITH THIS GUY BUT HE FORGIVES AND TAKES ME BACK ON TOP OF THAT REVEAL SOME INFIDELITY THAT HE HAS COMMITTED DURING OUR 6 YRS TOGETHER BUT WE TRY AND START THINGS FRESH 2010 BUT THE SPARK AND ROMANCE ISNT THERE AND I FEEL AS THOUGH IM PRESSURING MY HAPPINESS AND MAKING IT SEEM LIKE WE ARE THE HAPPIEST COUPLE BUT TRULY IM NOT HAPPY I STILL ACT THE SAME AS I DO FLIRTATIOUS ME AS I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN BUT WHAT DO I DO IM CONFUSED AND LOST?
hi i was once involved with a married man the relationship was on and off and lasted for more than 3 yrs. I really tried to forget him but I always fail. Then I decided to try to entertain some other guy and then i met him the guy who became my husband. The sex is great much better than my ex. We left the country and get married. But at times i think of my ex then for some reason he contacted me and we constantly on chat. I thought that my love for my husband is strong enough that i would not feel the same thing i had wiht my ex before. My husband is a good person, responsible and love me so dearly but sometime he lacks giving me what i really need which is sex. If I want to have sex he will give it after we had an argument first. And now I found myself yearning my ex and he always wants to see me naked when we chat. I know that what Im doing is wrong but i couldnt find myself to forget him i know that i love him but i dont want to leave my husband. What will I do to get rid of this horrible feelings. pls. help me. i hate myself