Why Do We Cheat?

Does A Wife's Illness Justify Husband Cheating?

A few days back, one of my readers asked an excellent question in the comments section of the article called:
Cheating Husbands – What Are The Signs?

I have done all you recommend. At 47 I looked 10 years younger. I ignored the extra 30 pounds he was dragging around and the fact that he is lousy in bed and uninterested in improving (believe me, Ive tried). I was in fabulous shape, worked, cooked beautiful dinners, gave him massages, and yes, I swallow. But I got sick. I can barely make it through a workday. I can't work out like I used to and have lost a lot of weight. He said he married a woman, not an illness (this has been going on for 2 years) and he's not interested in sex with me because he's not willing to do the "heavy lifting." I just discovered online that he joined a swinger's club here in town. He has a userid so I know he's registered. The thing is I don't want him to know that I can check his history and know his passwords or he'll just hide it. But if he's with a bunch of sluts and who knows, maybe guys too I don't want him touching me and giving me HIV or something. I already have lymphoma. How does an ugly cancer-ridden hag keep her husband interested? Other than the sex he's been pretty decent and taken care of me.

This woman has found herself in a sad situation through no fault of her own. Unfortunately, her predicament is not uncommon. "I married a woman not an illness" is a cold and callous remark but one that many women hear when they find that their husbands are unable or unwilling to cope with the situation.

I really felt that this lady deserved an honest and helpful answer so I asked my friend, "True" what her thoughts were on the subject. True has "real" insight into the minds of cheaters. She understands the trials, tribulations and guilt that people are faced with in their relationships. Why? Because she is among them. In her own words:

I find the people out here in "affairland" intriguing, and enjoy the dialog that's ever-changing….we are all so different even if at our cores we seek the same things.

I always find True's evaluations of other people's situations to be accurate and her suggestions to be very practical and helpful. She's kind of like the "Dear Abby" of the "affairland" as she calls it. Below I am going to give you True's response to me regarding this lady's question "verbatim" because I think it is terrific!

Hopefully it will help her and many other women out there who find themselves in a similar situation.

Here is her answer…

I see a few things in this message, and will tackle them one at a time;

The husband is already on a website; he's basically already left the marriage, and getting him back won't be easy….the other thing is that he's on a "swingers" website; this tells me that his interest is in exploring another side of his sexuality. This isn't uncommon! I know of more than a few that have this interest and are moving in that direction. Both men and women. There are plenty of websites that he could be on to find another woman, but he's looking for something else. While his wife might be able to compete with another woman she has the wrong equipment to try that with a man…or with a couple. If that's his interest, and she still wants to keep him, then she may need to open the door to those possibilities for herself. The other option here might be (if they haven't already) to allow him to explore with her this interest through porn, bringing another partner into their lives virtually rather than in reality. Another possibility if she finds that she needs him as a caretaker or to survive financially, is to try and come to terms with an "open-marriage" type of situation. She doesn't seem to be moving in that direction, but I know of a woman the has vulvodynia and that concept has worked very well for her for over 10 years. She has just recently started stepping-out herself, still working on overcoming the physical difficulties that she experiences. =) She is proof positive that stepping out and finding what you need despite illnesses and obstacles isn't out of the question!

She is obviously already "at risk" and should take the necessary precautions to protect herself in the event that he's not. From her description, he's probably not… I think that worrying about him knowing that she's onto him is secondary to protecting herself…I'd let him know, that I know…what else can she possibly find out or gain through secrecy that would be to her advantage at this point? The details are all that remain, and those can be painful, and will do her no favors.

He says that "he's married to a woman, not a disease", that he's not willing to do the "heavy lifting", and then she refers to herself as an "ugly cancer-ridden hag" =( This saddens me! Are these her words, or his? Has she bought into his POV regarding this very serious illness and the changes it's created for her? "Other than sex he's been pretty decent and taken care of me". I disagree…he's torn her down, made her out to be something that she's not, and has quickly forgotten all the great things that she's done for and been for him. She deserves to be taken care of, to be cherished, and to be loved unconditionally. He's a Loser. Dump his sorry ass…if he's overweight, hasn't taken care of himself, and is lazy and lousy in the bedroom, his swinging days will be limited! He has a huge wake-up call in his future, and she may as well start planning her future now rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Obviously this is a tough one, because I don't know all the details of her situation…but that's my synopsis of the situation.

I apologize that I didn't answer this in an email format, but wanted you to see my thought processes…sometimes those things are just as important as the answers. Knowing the "why" behind things gives people a better perspective and avoids the "because I told you so" syndrome that we grew up with! I wish her the best!

Do you agree with True?

I do!

Hmmm…maybe we'll start an "Ask True" section here on Cheating Ways!

What do you think?


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Cheating Husbands – What Are The Signs?