Open Lifestyle, Why Do We Cheat?

Interview With An Asexual – "Why not just sleep with someone else?"

There are many, many reasons why men and women cheat. In the last few articles we've talked a lot about cheating from the female point of view. This prompted a couple of our male readers to ask about the guys. More specifically, they said that their wives aren't as interested in sex as they are – so in some ways, they feel like they have to cheat. “What am I supposed to do,” they ask, “live like a monk just because she isn't that interested?”

It doesn't have to be that way – in any relationship, there is always room to compromise. That's why I want to introduce you to “Jane.” This woman realized after several years of marriage that she was asexual and would be quite happy never having sex again. Her husband, on the other hand, knew he couldn't live without sex. Because she loved him she got an idea – she'd find him a girlfriend, and that could save their marriage!

I spent a little time talking to Jane the other day, so she could share her story with you! I hope you find it as fascinating as I do!

How long have you been married?

We are about to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary, but have been together nearly 12 years.

When did you realize you were asexual?

Two years ago. I was sitting at home watching a Montel Williams show, which happened to be on the topic of asexuality. I had heard of the term before but didn't know much about it. They featured an online community, AVEN, a place for asexuals of all types. That's when I learned there are different types, and that I fell into a category I finally understood. I was so happy that I began to cry. I had spent my entire sexual life being told something was wrong with me, either by my partners, my friends, society, doctors; finally I saw that nothing was wrong with me at all, and there is no "condition" causing my "problem." It was a wonderful feeling.

I had only ever had sex to appease others. I rarely had ever wanted to have sex at all. The type of asexual I identify as is referred to as Romantic Asexual. That simply means I want the closeness and intimacy, the hand holding, the cuddling, but that's it. I don't want to be naked with you. It's not something I think about or envision. For this I've been labeled a heartless cock tease. At the same time, it doesn't mean that I could never want to have sex with you. I may at some point, but it's very rare. And it also doesn't mean that I can't enjoy sex. I can. And lots of times I do, but I'm still glad when it's over and I can move on to more enjoyable things like sleeping. My afterglow usual includes my satisfaction in knowing I've satisfied my husband and won't have to do it again for a few days.

What does being asexual mean to you?

For me it means we are a group of people that are a bit more evolved in the area of sexuality. In our society, sex sells. Well, it doesn't sell to me. For anything to appeal to me, it has to prove its value or appeal to my intelligence. You won't find me guffawing at a stupid movie or listening to really bad music. The general population seems to celebrate anything over-sexualized even if it's not good. That annoys me to no end.

How did your husband react to your asexuality?

I remember well the day I told my husband I was asexual. We were making the bed and I was reliving the Montel Williams experience I had. I remember he finished my sentence for me: "…so it was then I realized…" "…YOU'RE ASEXUAL!" He was elated! Because the years he'd spent trying to figure me out and all the times he'd told me something was wrong with me and all the times he'd asked me if it was him – suddenly he had his answer. And it wasn't him!

I didn't realize until then that all these years he'd really thought deep down that I wasn't attracted to him! That must have been maddening for him. Especially when I seemed to be attracted to actors and musicians, these unattainable people, but not to him. He was thrilled and we were both immediately relieved to have an answer to this huge underlying issue plaguing our lives.

How did you get the idea to try to find a girlfriend for your husband?

Well, I'd visited the AVEN message boards and read lots of posts from people who were married and then realized, like me, that they are asexual. Most of those people were getting a divorce! I knew this was not the option for me. I couldn't imagine divorcing someone you love over something as trivial as sex. We have two kids and that would not only rob them of the life I want for them; it would just suck. Giving as little regard to sex as I do, I then posed the question to myself, "Why not just sleep with someone else?" And I liked the idea. Less sex for me, more sex for him. Sex is something my husband values highly.

Say he really likes ping pong. He wants to play ping pong every day. Because he loves me, he only wants to play with me. Even though I hate ping pong, I love him, so I'm gonna play; but man is it boring. I mean, I like the little paddles and the little ball and the way it sounds bouncing on the table, but I don't actually want to play it. I don't want to be on the other side of that table. So why not find him another partner?

Was it more difficult than you expected? Was there anything surprising about the experience?

What we typically ran into were women who didn't believe him. And the ones who did weren't what we were looking for. They thought that either he only wanted a lot of NSA sex or that he was secretly looking for a replacement for me. He wanted someone he connected with but who wasn't looking for a life with him. He really wanted a meaningful friendship with whomever he was sleeping with. That may be too much to ask.

Most women are searching for someone special to share their lives with, and even when they claimed to be on the same page as he was it turned out they weren't. They wanted more. What was even more surprising was the outrage directed at us from strangers who lead "normal" lives. I could not care less how others lead their lives as long as no one is harmed. It seems that isn't a two way street.

Did any jealousy issues crop up during the search?

Once we decided this is what we were going to do, I had one day of a mixture of emotions. I was in a bad mood, was a bit jealous and even pouted a little bit. But I felt sure it would pass and he gave me my space. He was perfectly fine if I decided to scrap the entire plan. The thing is once I decided to go this route I had to talk him into it. That took months. It wasn't something he gladly agreed to. One thing he was nervous about was getting back into the game of dating and all that goes along with that. We'd been together for nearly a decade and he felt out of practice.

My day of jealousy passed and after that, I was fine. I was cheering him on, getting him ready for his first date, giving him advice, etc. That first one didn't go well and he went through a lot of those. I am there for him when that happens to support him however he needs me to.

How did it all sort itself out?

Well, where we are now is essentially an open marriage. We are both free to see whomever we please. There are rules, however: We both have the right to veto who our partner is seeing. Also, we don't break plans with the family to go out. We don't bring anyone to our home or around our children. But where we are, really? We aren't seeing anyone but each other. His last girlfriend ended up getting a boyfriend and discontinued relations with my husband, which is fine. He hasn't really put any effort as of late into finding someone else. And that's just fine with me.

Would you recommend it to other asexual women married to sexual men?

I would suggest it for other asexuals, but only if they are in the same place we are. If you truly harbor no jealousy and have an unconditional love for your partner like no other, if you value your love over all else and really truly put each others happiness over your own, go for it. Especially if you live in an area where open-minded people abound. That is not the case for us. We live in the heart of the Bible Belt of the southern U.S., and not easy to find people who are like minded.

How is your husband dealing with your asexuality now?

Well, he isn't perfect. He tries not to pressure me to have sex, but he is still a man and still whines every now and then. And I still shake my head and roll my eyes sometimes, wondering why it's such a big deal. So we have our moments. But overall we are handling things just fine and have learned to live with our differences just like any couple has to. This is just another thing we have to accept about each other, like anything else that annoys us. He doesn't like our cats to sleep with us; I do. I have to sleep with my feet uncovered, and it drives him crazy. He doesn't mow the lawn nearly enough. He can't stop biting his nails when we watch Survivor. All those little things you have to live with when you love someone, all those little things that really don't matter, this is how we view our sexual differences.


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